The Drop Box

Here's a trailer for a documentary I'd just love to see. A pastor in South Korea started a ministry/orphanage based on babies dropped in a box by unwilling/unable mothers. In South Korea, like many places in the world, thousands of babies die from abandonment (often in the streets, hours after birth). This pastor wanted to provide another option. To be the salt and light and love of Jesus to these mothers and to their babies. What a man and what a legacy! I cried so much in the trailer, I think I need to re-watch it because I'm sure I missed parts.

"The Drop Box" - Documentary PROMO from Brian Ivie on Vimeo.

I haven't forgotten about adoption

Even though our timeline to one day, hopefully adopt is now measured in years not months, and even though we're having a third baby before that happens, adoption is still a very real part of our hearts around here. Morgan just posted this trailer for the documentary Stuck that looks at international adoption and how long it takes and the faulty system. Brad and I watched it and were in tears seconds in. Absolutely worth watching. Also, please sign the petition at the top of the link!

I pray one day adoption is a very real part of our family - not just a passion, not just a cause we support.

hugh jackman on infertility + adoption

These videos were really neat to watch this week. Hugh Jackman is such a great actor and I'm so excited to see Les Mis, but wow, how great to see and hear people with influence talking about these things. His wife and he openly talking about miscarriages and infertility and also the joy that their adopted children brought.

transracial families put up with a lot...

One day, we still hope to adopt, though it's currently on hold as we try for #3. Which means articles and blogs and posts and videos and stories and books on adoption and orphans are still very much interesting to me. At the forefront of my mind and heart, still. And I still think about how we'll probably be a transracial family some day if we adopt via foster care, because the stats just work that way. And I still get excited about what God will do in our family and what it will look like.

This video on Rage Against The Minivan made me laugh today, but also reflect on how frustratingly difficult it must be to hear these comments A L L  T H E   T I M E.

written on September 13th... Officially Trying!

So guess what? We are trying to have a third baby.
WHAT!? I know. I never thought I'd type that either.

And as I write this, none of you know, because I'm less comfortable this time around, being so public with our intentions. ***things are now out in the open as of October 16th***

Part of me loves the secret. Not even our families saw it coming. Really, we didn't either. God moved and worked in our hearts in a very tangible way and both of us, nearly overnight, were very sure we were to have a third baby before adopting. I don't want to over-spiritualize it, but this is pretty darn close to God telling me something. Being more than obvious. Closing and opening doors. Moving hearts. Changing minds. Granting desire where there once was none.

You've read a bit about it here already.

What started as tacky baby fever (doing the quintessential act of sorting old baby clothes) began to shape and form our thoughts. Brad had been wavering on the vasectomy already. It would be so final. He wasn't 100% sure he didn't want more. But I thought I was. 

Then after exhaustive research (hard to do when most online documents for domestic adoption in Quebec are in French!), we were fairly certain we couldn't adopt in our current living situation anyway. We already have two kids in a bedroom with no choice but to add the adopted sibling to the mix. There are rules on this. There are also rules on an adopted sibling only sharing a bedroom with same gendered siblings. We just bought a 2 bedroom house and are absolutely unable to move for at least 3-4 years.

Did we want to wait 3-4+ years before starting the adoption process? Did we want to wait 4-5 years to add to our family? Absolutely not. Lily and Oli are so close and that's how we've always wanted it. 5 years before adding a sibling seemed intense and it wouldn't be an ideal for us. This realization came about at the exact same time (mere hours, really) as baby fever + vasectomy doubts. Everything was mounting.

We decided to take a week to seek hard after God on this. I asked a lot of my close girlfriends to pray for us. I spent hours journaling, pouring out my heart to God. What came out? Idols. Long lists of idols. I didn't know half of them had a hold on me, and was shocked that they were all major reasons that I didn't want a 3rd baby before adopting.

Comfort. Body image. Control.

We are passionate about adoption for a lot of right reasons, but I was also excited about adoption for some wrong reasons. It would give me control. I could choose age, I could choose gender (we weren't going to choose gender, but the option was there). I could start the process when I wanted to. It's no secret how much I dislike pregnancy and the early stages of having an infant. Adoption was my ticket out of that, while still giving me a child! Adoption seemed the perfect answer for me to get what I want, while still serving my idols, plus we were already passionate about it. Perfect, right? 

After seeing and confessing those major idols, many seemed to lack the hold they once had on me. I began to consider if I'd be willing to sacrifice my body once again to pregnancy and postpartum for another year. I began to consider if I'd be willing to endure pain, discomfort, challenge, exhaustion, stretch marks, all over again. There was a time not too long ago, that I imagined what I'd do if we accidentally got pregnant with a third baby. It was a horrifying thought. And probably a sign that I was holding much too tightly to something.

God seems to be closing the adoption door for the short term (at least until we move to a 3 bedroom), and at the exact same time, reigniting a desire in both Brad and I to have another baby. Despite everything. I can't explain this in the least, except that God did it.

And now? We are giddy. We can't wait. We are so excited to be trying - and trying starts THIS WEEK.

I believe God spared us from making the mistake of making adoption about us. We still feel called to adopt in the future, but I'm thankful we didn't start the process now - when all of the idols still held a place in my heart. When we adopt, it won't be because it's easier or the perfect solution to my myriade of first world problems.

I never ever ever thought we would have a 3rd baby. I claimed so surely that adoption was the next way (and the final way) we'd add to our family.

I'm beginning to see that God may have better plans.

Better, not because biological birth is better than adoption - heck no! Better because they're HIS plans for us. And not mine. 

who came to be

This is an amazing video because it talks about EVERYONE involved when a baby is adopted.

The birth mother
The advocates for life
The family friends
The adoptive parents
The baby.

So often it's easy to completely forget the birth mother in all of this. And I love that this adoptive family didn't. They got to know her well and to this day they value her. For the sacrifice she made. For the bold and scary choice she made to carry a child full term that she didn't want and couldn't parent. For the gift she gave them - their daughter, Chapel.

It's amazing to see in living colour, what comes to be (or rather, WHO comes to be) when a woman bravely declines abortion and chooses life for her child. Watch and be moved...

but it's MY baby.

Is it?

There are SO many ethics to consider with adoption. One major one found in a lot of newborn adoptions, is when the birth mother wants the child back. THEIR child. That they carried and birthed. That has their DNA. That has their dad's nose and mom's eye colour.

The form of adoption we will be pursuing is through the foster care system (banque mixte, in Quebec). This won't be an issue, because the majority of children are in foster care because they've been removed and separated from their parents by law. Because the parents aren't fit to be parents. They don't get the option of saying "yeah, I'd like that back please", because those rights have been justly severed.

But what about when you adopt a newborn baby? Fresh from the hospital? Fresh from being delivered by the birth mother? It's harder. The birth mother has the right to change her mind. And as adoptive parents, it's easy to see THAT as wrong. How can she change her mind? The paper work is done! We've decorated and furnished a nursery! It's our baby! But is it? It's a really really swampy ethical dilemma.

I believe the baby belongs to her birth mother until the birth mother has, in right mind (read: not 24 hours after giving birth, under pressure of her boyfriend, etc) severed her rights to the child (giving the green light to adoption) or the law has decided that for her, to protect the child.

I'm grateful that God has put Banque Mixte adoption on our hearts, because it is a scary thought that if we adopted a child who wasn't already removed from their family, that that family could change their minds and want them back. And that would be agony for me as an adoptive mom. But I believe it would be ethical. And right. Painful, but honest.

What do you think?

ps - this post is largely influenced by This Post on White Sugar Brown Sugar

international adoption plummeting

despite the fact that people are talking about adoption a lot these days, celebrities are making it en vogue, and the shame that used to associated with being adopted is much more rare, international adoptions are actually not on the rise. 

This surprised me because there's so much talk about adoption. so many conferences and books coming out. It all just made me think that yeah, we're all together caring for orphans more than ever before! And maybe in some ways we are, but in some we certainly are not. At least not across our boarders.Praying this changes drastically in the years to come.

See this article:

Globally, the number of orphans being adopted by foreign parents dropped from a high of 45,000 in 2004 to an estimated 25,000 last year, according to annual statistics compiled by Peter Selman, an expert on international adoptions at Britain's Newcastle University.

Read more: http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,2114423,00.html#ixzz1ua3v9Ya9

on why we're not choosing the gender...

As long as I can remember, I've wanted to be the mother of girls.

I was from a family of all girls and I'm a girls girl to the core. 

My husband, on the other hand is the exact opposite. 

The eldest of three boys, no sisters. Guys guy, wanted boys. 

So weren't we a happy pair of expectant parents? 

Conflicted, yes. But thankful that God would ultimately decide and his decision would be good.

So I wanted a girl, but throughout my whole pregnancy people said I looked like I was carrying a boy. Like, all people. I was never told, even once, that I looked like I was carrying a girl. 

And you know what? The idea grew on me a heck of a lot. 

I started hanging around my friends then 4 year-old son and getting attached. 

The mama who always wanted a daughter was starting to REALLY want a son. 

I was certain, like everyone else that my first would be a boy, and my heart caught up to the idea and I even wanted my first to be a boy.

Then at my 20 week ultrasound,
we heard the three beautiful words: 

it's a girl!

It took my heart and head a second to register that my first would not be Oli (the name we'd chosen if it were a boy) but Lily instead! Immediately the ideas and excitement about a son disappeared and I was thrilled to be on the pink team. 

I thought I knew what I was having and what I wanted, and I was wrong.

Fast forward to my second pregnancy. Our first few months with Lily had been glorious. We absolutely LOVED having a daughter. Both Brad and I were secretly hoping our second would also be a girl. Since we're frugal, it meant we'd have everything already! And since our experience with Lily had been bliss, it meant more of the same (a pregnant mom can hope, right?)! 

I was convinced that I was having another daughter. 

I pictured Lily with a sister, I pictured them being best friends like me and my sister Lisa were (and are!). 

Then at my 20 week ultrasound,
we heard the three beautiful words:

it's a boy!

I was in shock. Slightly disappointed, I'm embarrassed to admit. 

But then a few minuted later (and much more as the days and weeks passed), my heart rejoiced. A son. A boy. The Lord has entrusted me with another child and now we have our Oli! 

I thought I knew what I was having and what I wanted, and I was wrong.

Now I have two lovely children, both of whom I thought I wanted to be the opposite gender they are, and both of whom I'm thrilled are exactly who they are. 

And we're adopting...

With the dangerous (for us) ability to pick the gender of our next children.

If I had of chosen for Lily I would have chosen BOY

If I had of chosen for Oli I would have chosen GIRL

I'm so glad I didn't get to pick, and that God's will was done so beautifully in our family.

So with the option to choose the gender for the child(ren)we're adopting, I just don't trust myself. 

I don't know God's will for us, and I have learned from two experiences that what I wanted was not what he wanted, and what he wanted was best.

I'll be honest, the idea of 1 girl and 3 boys seems slightly overwhelming to me, but if God has two boys who need a Mommy & Daddy (and a brother & sister!) and decides they're for us, we'll happily welcome them. So we'll see. It's not in our hands. We're choosing to have no preference with gender, but to prefer wholly, God's plans for us, that we do not yet see.

raising kids of another race...

It's definitely occurred to us that when we opt for "no racial preferences" and "no gender preferences" as we're adopting from the foster care system in Quebec, we're practically enlisting to adopt a black male. 

That is 100% perfect and even exciting to me.

{Louie, Sandra Bullock's son was adopted from
the foster care system in the USA}

We have no problem whatsoever with adopting a child from another race, but we'd be naive to say that it won't be a challenge, and that our parenting experience with our black children will be exactly like that with our white children. It will be a challenge and it won't be the same as parenting Lily and Oli. 

Oddly enough, folks would rather not talk about race at all these days, for fear of appearing racist, but in doing so they're ignoring a God-given quality to someone (God decided that there would be black people in this world, and it is good that there are!), and doing a huge disservice to these people. To our potential child(ren). And so, I've been thinking about it. And talking about it. Because it's real and good. 

This post addresses some of the challenges a white mother faces raising her two black sons (alongside her two white daughters), and it was a great resource to me today. I also follow My Brown Baby, a blog she references in the post, and White Sugar Brown Sugar.

Would love any suggestions of resources or blogs about the issue if you know of any!

Here's a excerpt:

There is one aspect of parenting black children that is outside of something I can just learn though trial and error, though – and that’s how to teach my kids how to interact with the world as black men.  The question of how white parents can teach black children “how to be black” is one that is often thrown out by opponents of transracial adoption.  I don’t love this question because it implies that there is one monolithic experience of being black, or one right set of behaviors, attitudes, and experiences that somehow denote a person’s acceptance as a black person. I reject the idea that “being black” is something that my boys need to learn, because they ARE black.  The idea that some would view them as having “lost their black card” by way of having white parents is frustrating to me. 

no fever over here!

Guess who hosted a baby shower last week,

held a precious 6lb baby boy,

and didn't get baby fever in the least?

Moi.

It was a beautiful moment, holding little Zachary, the 4th child of my dear friend Loni, but it was also really cool and affirming when I didn't feel any desire to have another one.

Can't wait to adopt, and am so excited to adopt a toddler or child :)

little women.... {yikes}

I read this article in the New York Times and it really startled me. It's an interesting and really uncomfortable read for moms with daughters, but probably good to check out. 

The gist is that girls are entering puberty as early as KINDERGARTEN.

And one of the largest contributing factors is stress in the home (defined as absent fathers, present step-fathers, adoption and integration issues, etc).

Here's an excerpt:

Family stress can disrupt puberty timing as well. Girls who from an early age grow up in homes without their biological fathers are twice as likely to go into puberty younger as girls who grow up with both parents. Some studies show that the presence of a stepfather in the house also correlates with early puberty. Evidence links maternal depression with developing early. Children adopted from poorer countries who have experienced significant early-childhood stress are also at greater risk for early puberty once they’re ensconced in Western families.

Things it's reminded me of:

1. Childhood traumas (even from such a young age) have such a impact on children down the line.
2. There will be damage that we will never be able to un-do 
3. The family unit, when thriving, does so much to bless a child or children. Far beyond what I'd imagined, even to the physical development of a person. Wow.
4. I need to be praying for our future child(ren) in specific ways. Thinking right now if we adopt a daughter, how she may be impacted and how I can be praying...

a good cry and a beauitiful story

a friend passed this article on to me tonight.
it's the pure hope of our hearts way deep down and all throughout.
read it only if you're up for a good cry.

When I was just a little girl, like a wee little thing, I had a different mom and dad. And they were kind to me, but they had hurts and they had addictions and they didn't know how to take care of themselves, much less a wee girl and her little brother.

I mean, they tried. They hung on to us for several years, but things kept slipping and they kept falling and failing and they mustered up what strength they could, but they just couldn't make it work and they couldn't make it right. And so the policemen came over and over again, and took us away and my mama cried in the back of that police car, hands cuffed, and she told me that she loved me. And I knew in my little heart, as I looked up at her, tears streaming and mascara running, I knew that she really did love me. She just couldn't make it work.

And I still remember my daddy's face, another time, when the police finally caught up with him, and took his drugs and took his booze and took us kids. And even though I was just a little thing, legs not even long enough to dangle from the seat, I knew deep inside that he was in trouble and that he couldn't make it right.

And I cried for them because every little girl wants her mommy and needs her daddy, but they were gone, again, and I felt lost. And the social workers took us to some foster homes, lots of times they took us, but we were never safe. (Did you know bad guys can live in foster homes?) I lay in bed at night wishing they would go away. And I was just a little thing.

But, one day something beautiful happened. Something strange. The social workers came and got us and put our stuff in a brown paper bag and we met a different mom and dad. And they said they wanted us. Like, forever. And we could live with them and never go away. And I really liked the idea, but I didn't know what it really meant to trust, so deep inside I didn't believe them. Not yet.

So, we came to our new home, and I had a big brother and a big sister and from the get-go they loved us and they never made us feel afraid. And my mom and dad told me how they had prayed for us, because God had put it on their heart to, and so they asked Him to show them where we were and what to do. And one day my mama walked into that government office, saw our picture and knew right away. And she told that social worker that we were her kids. And the lady disagreed and tried to protest and said it wasn't possible, but my mama knew about the God of all the impossibles, and so it wasn't long before we came home. For good. And time passed and no one ever took us away, so I believed. 
And as days have turned to months which have turned to years, I still believe. I believe in that God of all the impossibles. And I've come to find that He's the One who rescues and He redeems, but He uses our hands and our feet. And He whispers His rescue plan into our hearts and hopes that we'll obey.

And this same God has healed those wounds from a mama and a daddy who just couldn't make it work and couldn't make it right. Because He gave me another mama and daddy who didn't have it altogether, but who depended on the only One who does. And people say that time heals all wounds, but I think it's love.

And every day I'm thankful that I've been rescued and that my life has been redeemed by the God who can make beauty from a mess. And I'm thankful for a family who became His hands and feet to reach out with a love that heals—reached out to the likes of me. When I was just a little thing.

(Thank you, Ma and Pa—a million times, and with tears, thank you.)

And thank You, Jesus, for always coming for me, for scooping me up and bringing me home. And thank You for how you take the bad and the ugly and the messed up in this world and You make it beautiful. You are good. You are so good. Amen.

tidbit about infant adoptions

I read today that 55% of infant adoptions are now "open", meaning that the birth mother (and/or father) are somewhat involved in the child's life. Open adoptions can range anywhere from once a week visits to an occasional phone date between parents for medical background information. The idea is, in one way or another, the door is open to the birth family. It can be really helpful in terms of knowing your adoptive child's full story (about their relatives, family history, medical info, lineage, etc), but also really confusing for the child and maybe harder for them to fully bond with their forever family.

It makes sense that the rates for open adoptions are drastically higher with infant adoptions. In most cases of infant adoption, the birth mother willfully gives up her child for adoption because she doesn't want to, or cannot raise him or her. With the adoption of older kids, specifically from foster care, it wouldn't be as common since the parents have had parental rights severed. In some cases they're not allowed anywhere near their birth children. So open adoption isn't even an option. 

At this point, I'm inclined to want a 100% closed adoption. I'm sure because of the type of adoption we're pursuing, that will be the natural case anyway, but you never know.

Would you want an option adoption?

Would you even consider it?

keeping siblings together

One thing that's quite possible when adopting locally is the surfacing of biological siblings.

In an attempt to keep siblings together, the adoptive parents are contacted when a sibling of their adopted child is discovered. Sometimes they've just been born, and other times they weren't previously known about and now are. Either way, the adoptive family whose child is related to this discovered child is given first priority to adopt the sibling (or half sibling).

It really makes me wonder, would we take on a sibling or half sibling of our adopted child, should the situation ever occur? I don't know how I could say no, though I never saw myself having more than 4 kids and don't know if I have the capacity to do so...

This makes me reevaluate whether or not to hope for siblings in the first place. If we adopt one child instead of a sibling set, the possibility is still there that one day we would adopt a sibling of theirs.

Would you take on a sibling of your adopted child?

What factors would you consider first?

I'd love to hear your thoughts!

culture of adoption

my prayer for our church, as we adopt!

Russell Moore from Christian Alliance for Orphans on Vimeo.

letters from adoptive parents

John Piper, whose ministry Brad and I have greatly appreciated for years, is an adoptive parent. He and his wife Noel adopted a baby girl when most of their peers were retiring and becoming grandparents.

I stumbled upon Noel's blog recently and read their beautiful adoption story. At one point, she decided to write John a letter about her desire to adopt. 

I can relate to this, as I know full well that conversations fueled with such passion can often end poorly. There is so much at steak when talking about issues we can so deeply about, so writing may be the best option. I know I think carfuly when bringing up adoption with Brad (and if I don't, I should) - not because he's not on board, but because we'd both say I'm a bit more passionate about it right now than he is. I could talk about it all day long, hence this blog!

We've decided to adopt but it's still something that makes my heart race and keeps me up at night (maybe God has called me to be an advocate?) and for him it's something he will prayerfully and happily do, minus the heart racing and night wakings (for now :)

Here is her letter to her husband

and best of all,

here is his reply (when he says YES to adopting!)

timeline and limitations to our adoption hopes

Brad and I sat down the other night to talk about some logistics. It wasn't the easiest conversation, but it was needed. Needed to move forward and make sure we're on the same page.

Here's the ideal:
We welcome an adopted child or an adopted sibling set into our home in April 2014.
About 2 years from now. Meaning, at the end of the summer, we'll start the adoption process. All three or four kids share a room, that's the only way. We'd make it an awesome kids cave, with two bunk beds, lots of toys, and a closet packed to the brim with clothes. It would be crazy, but it would work.

Here are the concerns:
We're a young family.
We already have two kids.
We live in a 2 bedroom house.
Those might be factors that limit our adoption hopes.

It worries me and frustrated me that something as small as 1 bedroom may inhibit our adoption plans. We just bought this house and can't move for a number of years. If we had 1 or 2 more kids biologically, they'd all share a room, and no one would say "Boo", but with adoption, the hard part is that you don't decide everything. Others have a say in things like discipline and the living space for the child. That makes sense and I support it, guidelines are the best way to make sure these children are in safe and loving homes, but it's hard.

Anyway, that's our plans and hopes as well as our fears and potential limitations!
Would love your prayers and advice if you've gone down this road before :)

if only we lived in British Columbia...

@ Graceport Community Church

in Surrey, BC

May 11-12, 2012

more info here.

got 2 minutes?

Orphan Sunday 2011 from Christian Alliance for Orphans on Vimeo.

+ this quote = enough reasons to adopt.