curve ball #4

This pregnancy has been full of curve balls. Unlike any other pregnancy we've had, we've known trial, we've known waiting, we've known uncertainty, we've known fear. Girlfriend wants us on our toes, apparently :)

Recently we experienced our forth curve ball.

first, a re cap, if you're lost :)

Curve ball #1: Not getting pregnancy easily. All of our pregnancies until now happened the first month we tried. This pregnancy took 6 months. Not forever, but it felt like it and we learned a lot in the waiting.

Curve ball #2: They couldn't find the heart beat at my first visit. Some others said this was normal and that it happened to them and they didn't worry at all - awesome. We did. My doctor did too, since my other two babies had super strong heartbeats as early as 10 weeks. Thankfully an internal ultrasound confirmed her beating heart and ours started beating again, too.

Curve ball #3: A mere week after the heartbeat fiasco, I had cramping in my lower abdomen so terrible I couldn't walk. Brad was in the States for an MDiv course and I was with the kids alone. I was in so much pain I was lying on the floor unable to get up. Friends took me to the hospital and I was sure I was miscarrying. I wasn't, and the pain never returned. Strange and terrifying.

Now we're up to date! I'm full term (prego stats will end now that we're so close to the end, if you were wondering!), and in the last couple of weeks, another curve ball.

Curve ball #4: Baby is transverse (horizontal in my womb) and then breech (head up in my womb) past 35 weeks. It's said that after 35 weeks, the baby should be in the head down position, because she runs out of room to move much after that. The vast majority of babies are head down by 35 weeks, and even more by 37 weeks. Generally by 37 weeks (today) if a baby isn't head down, she won't go head down. Doctors can attempt to manipulate the uterus and turn her, deliver the baby breech (which can have complications), or suggest a C-Section (which is also riskier than a vaginal birth and something I was hoping not to have for my final birth).

Little Sister was flopping between full-on breech and transverse constantly over the last two weeks. I could see every kick (in my side) and it was clear by looking at my stomach where she was. That's what happens when the baby is big enough and has not much room - her kicks and rolls become very entertaining and clear.

I had asked several friends to pray Thursday morning at 10:30am for my appointment, where we'd see for sure and then talk about my options. As of Wednesday night she was definitely breech still. I could feel and see that. And by 11:30am, she was head down, in perfect position for vaginal birth.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boom.

God answers prayer, sometimes so clearly it makes my eyes water.

This pregnancy has made us rely on Him constantly and I'm thankful for that. Now I can look ahead to a somewhat familiar experience (child birth) in the coming couple weeks and not have to worry about an all-new surgery with a long recovery (remember, I have no local family and two toddlers!).

Thank you Thank you Thank you, Jesus.

a little sister

We found out today that Lily and Oli will have a baby sister come September and we are SO THANKFUL. She's measuring right on target and 100% healthy so far. Jesus, you give good gifts and lavish us with your grace. And a GIRL! Oh... my heart was hoping :)

illustration by Slovly, and such a ringer for Lily + her baby sister :)

Pregnancy Sweet Spot (aka middle of the 2nd trimester)

Guys. Life is GREAT. At any given time, sure, there are things a prego in my shoes could complain or worry about. The leg and foot cramps have begun. Already. Any day now I'll be too big to carry both of my toddlers down the stairs at the same time, and then how the heck are we supposed to leave the house? But those thoughts can wait. Because pregnancy is so sweet right now.

Why?

Baby is starting to kick, but not in a painful, annoying, ruin-your-sleep kind of way. More like in a sweet, gentle, reminding-you-I'm here kind of way. And I love it! It wasn't too long ago I was in the ER with a friend (Brad was out of town) with severe cramps, sure I was miscarrying. Those kicks are signs of life for me and I am so thankful for every.single.one.

Nausea and vomiting are gone, and I haven't felt those wicked symptoms in weeks. I also haven't had to take the anti-pregnancy-nausea pills in months, which made me even more exhausted than I already was. I can enjoy food as a result, and cooking and baking too.

I'm showing and maybe even glowing. I don't know about the last part - but I've heard it once or twice. Probably more the glow you get when you haven't showered in a couple days and your kids are making you laugh and it's finally hot outside and you've been chasing the toddlers around. That glow, that's not at all related to pregnancy, is probably more the one I have, but I'll take the compliment :) And showing is great because people always give me their seats on the metro and I get a lot of smiles and kindness from the general population at large.

Our kids can see I'm pregnant and they're excited. Lily didn't know what the heck was happening when she was 4.5 months old and I ran to tell her the good news that she was going to be a big sister. Obviously.  But now she's 2.5 years old and well aware, she's even told us without a doubt that the baby is a girl! And even Oli understands a bit - at least much more than she did when I was pregnant with him! He kisses my tummy and says "baby!" a lot and cuddles it too.

I have some energy again, so I'm enjoying it. The 1st trimester and 3rd are often just such a blur of exhaustion, but the 2nd trimester really is grand. Some moms I know say they've never had more energy, and while I can't relate to that, I am feeling so much better than before that it seems that way. I'm loving taking the kids out in this nice weather and getting things done during some naptimes if I'm feeling extra empowered.

I'm realizing that my 3rd child is coming... soon! The 1st trimester is all about survival. I don't think much beyond the toilet bowl. I can't pretend I spend those early weeks dreaming of the baby who is being knit together in my womb. I'm thinking about what I ate last and how it's making me want to vomit. But now, I'm in a place where I can prepare, dream, and long for our third little sapling. I've begun buying some things we need (some cloth diapers in size 1, a car seat, etc), and I've started to prepare and get excited even for breastfeeding. I know September will fly by (and baby could come any time that month too!) and we have a busy summer ahead so he'she will be here before we know it!

it's a sweet sweet time and I'm savouring every last drop.

The Drop Box

Here's a trailer for a documentary I'd just love to see. A pastor in South Korea started a ministry/orphanage based on babies dropped in a box by unwilling/unable mothers. In South Korea, like many places in the world, thousands of babies die from abandonment (often in the streets, hours after birth). This pastor wanted to provide another option. To be the salt and light and love of Jesus to these mothers and to their babies. What a man and what a legacy! I cried so much in the trailer, I think I need to re-watch it because I'm sure I missed parts.

"The Drop Box" - Documentary PROMO from Brian Ivie on Vimeo.

prego stats - week 16

I am LOVING being pregnant this week. Of course, I'm tired, but the absence of nausea and vomiting are not lost on me. I am SO thankful to be at week 16 of a healthy pregnancy, past the terrible morning sickness and crippling fatigue, and still small enough to get around without a fork lift :) Life is good. And now, les stats.

How far along: 16 weeks

Total weight gain: 5 lbs (I was 4 lbs up last week at my appointment, so I'm estimating)

How big is baby: avocado

Maternity Clothes: I'm in a tough spot because a lot of maternity clothes I own are too big for me (from previous pregnancies, hand-me-downs, etc. I have two pair of skinny jeans (one blue one demin) and I love them both, but they're the only two that fit me, so I'm debating buying more. I would love to wear my other jeans but they're not fitting right, though they probably will later on in pregnancy (as if I'll need long pants in August, though!)

Sleep: Some days I don't nap, and that hasn't been the end of the world this week. I'm still trying to get more than 8 hours at night and 2 in the day, but that's not always happening with life and all.

Best moment this week: Feeling the baby move about in my womb. YES! BABY MOVEMENT! Earliest I've felt it yet, but that's not uncommon for a third pregnancy, I'm told.

Movement: holllllller.

Food cravings: Not really this week. I'm cutting back on sugar and trying to eat healthy since my appetite is finally resembling that of someone carrying another human. I'm HUNGRY.

Food aversions: still whole chicken, which we used to cook once a week! I'm not sure why, but it's the last aversion I can shake. Brad misses his favourite roast chicken, but I sure don't right now!

Gender: Guys, am I a bad mama if I hope it's a girl? I know if/when I find out it's a boy I'll eventually be thrilled (and Oli rocks my world), but right now it feels like so long since we've had a baby girl in the house and it's all I can think about. We'll find out April 30th! Get your vote on! (sidebar)

Labor signs: n/a

Belly button in or out: out and proud.

What I miss: having lots of clothes to wear! options in the closet!

What I'm not loving: heart burn + constipation are getting niiiice and comfy around here.

What I’m looking forward to: April 30th. Duh. And a check up I have on the 25th just before. I just love checking in with my fabulous doctor and hearing the heart beat :)

What I'm loving: every.single.week. Seriously, this pregnancy (maybe because we had to try longer than the first two, maybe because we had two scares early on, or maybe because we're grieved with many many friends who've miscarried during this pregnancy) is such a blessing. I am not taking it for granted and I am in awe of God.

Milestone(s): movement!

peace out, 1st trimester!

I couldn't resist the baby peace sign!

This is my LAST week of my first trimester. I'm feeling loads better and will stop taking Diclectin soon (I've already begun taking less). I'm tired as anything and nap for 2 hours each day when the kids do, but that's enough to keep me alert and energized to parent intentionally the rest of the day. All of my taste buds seem back to normal, if not elevated. I am eating plenty these days and expect my weight will jump soon. Especially now that my sweet tooth and joy of baking has come back :)

I am so thankful for this baby and for this first trimester. We've had two scares already - once when we couldn't find the heart beat and again when I went to the ER with cramping at 11 weeks (more on that soon), but in both cases, baby and me were and are fine. What more can a Mama ask for? Jesus, your blessings are paramount. We are unworthy and you give abundantly.

6 months to go!

25% of the way through

I noticed something amazing today. I know pregnancies are measured in trimesters but for me, it's more helpful to look at the pregnancy in quarters. Most likely because the 1st and 4th quarter are absolutely the hardest. And usually the 1st and 3rd trimesters get such a bad reputation but neither of them are entirely horrid - it's the final 10 weeks of the 3rd trimester that really do you in, and for me, the first 10 weeks of the 1st trimester that are the hardest (probably because I don't get anti-nausea medicine right away and it takes a while to work effectively).

Well, today, I'm 10 weeks in. 25% finished with this pregnancy and 1/4 of the way through!

There is something really thrilling about typing that, and also really melancholy. I'm SO GLAD to say "good riddance" to the first ten weeks because I'm only now starting to feel human again as they pass. But I am very aware that this is more than likely my last pregnancy, and once this chapter is behind me, it's behind me forever. Of course, we thought Oli was our last pregnancy, but this one seems much more likely to be the final one.

And I'm so glad, because with Oli's pregnancy I spent a whole lot of time resenting the sickness and sacrifices I had to make and feeling sorry for myself (though often I had good reason!), and it would have been a pitiful way to close the pregnancy chapter of my life. Looking back, I'm not proud of how I acted or felt during most of that pregnancy, and vowed to make this third pregnancy a different story. By the grace of God, I believe it really has been.

Sure, there have been moments of weakness, times I've complained, and days I've felt completely overwhelmed and ungrateful. But far fewer than my last pregnancy, and I believe this one - primarily because I have more children to care for outside of the womb - has been significantly more difficult! Thank you Lord, for working in me. And not letting me waste this gift of pregnancy.

Today I'm finished the 1st quarter of this pregnancy. I have 30 weeks to go if baby comes on my due date. 70 days down, 210 to go. My prayer is that this baby would stay healthy and safe and that this pregnancy would glorify God in ways my first two sadly did not. I'm hoping to not waste these next 30 weeks with ingratitude and bitterness, no matter how difficult things get, and to enjoy this sweet gift that we spent half a year asking God to give us.

not yet, God says.

Those words, uttered by my husband, were so comforting to me yesterday. Another month of trying (this was technically number three), another period. Not pregnant.

I took the discovery much better than I did in New York. Maybe because I was convinced I was pregnant in NY, so the news almost felt like a miscarriage (though I am certain I can't say that accurately and don't want to be insensitive to those who have suffered through miscarriages - all I can say is I felt as though I lost a baby, not hope of a baby, because I was so sure I was pregnant).

This time, however, I didn't really feel pregnant and refused to look into the "common symptoms" I was feeling. And New York taught me to guard my heart more, and not get hopes up early. In all, I was more trusting of God with His plan for our family when I discovered I was surely not pregnant this month. And I'm much happier in his presence this way, even though my hopes and his plans didn't cross paths this time.

Also, this month got me thinking about if I WERE pregnant. I've never been so public with trying on this blog. You all knew we were thinking about trying, but not the details, with Lily. And nothing with Oli until I was indeed, pregnant.  So this time around, the day after I'm supposed to get my period, you'll be like "SO!?" and if I don't blog right away our secret will be out before we even tell our families (if you assume silence means pregnant.)

Anyhow, to clear that potential problem up, from here on out, I'm not going to blog about specific dates (i.e. I'm Ovulating! or My Period Is Due Tomorrow!). And When we get the news either way, I probably won't blog about that right away either, so please wait on me to tell you instead of asking :)

Here's to month #4 of trying! Hoping it's THE month, but loving what God is doing in my heart as I wait.

written on September 13th... Officially Trying!

So guess what? We are trying to have a third baby.
WHAT!? I know. I never thought I'd type that either.

And as I write this, none of you know, because I'm less comfortable this time around, being so public with our intentions. ***things are now out in the open as of October 16th***

Part of me loves the secret. Not even our families saw it coming. Really, we didn't either. God moved and worked in our hearts in a very tangible way and both of us, nearly overnight, were very sure we were to have a third baby before adopting. I don't want to over-spiritualize it, but this is pretty darn close to God telling me something. Being more than obvious. Closing and opening doors. Moving hearts. Changing minds. Granting desire where there once was none.

You've read a bit about it here already.

What started as tacky baby fever (doing the quintessential act of sorting old baby clothes) began to shape and form our thoughts. Brad had been wavering on the vasectomy already. It would be so final. He wasn't 100% sure he didn't want more. But I thought I was. 

Then after exhaustive research (hard to do when most online documents for domestic adoption in Quebec are in French!), we were fairly certain we couldn't adopt in our current living situation anyway. We already have two kids in a bedroom with no choice but to add the adopted sibling to the mix. There are rules on this. There are also rules on an adopted sibling only sharing a bedroom with same gendered siblings. We just bought a 2 bedroom house and are absolutely unable to move for at least 3-4 years.

Did we want to wait 3-4+ years before starting the adoption process? Did we want to wait 4-5 years to add to our family? Absolutely not. Lily and Oli are so close and that's how we've always wanted it. 5 years before adding a sibling seemed intense and it wouldn't be an ideal for us. This realization came about at the exact same time (mere hours, really) as baby fever + vasectomy doubts. Everything was mounting.

We decided to take a week to seek hard after God on this. I asked a lot of my close girlfriends to pray for us. I spent hours journaling, pouring out my heart to God. What came out? Idols. Long lists of idols. I didn't know half of them had a hold on me, and was shocked that they were all major reasons that I didn't want a 3rd baby before adopting.

Comfort. Body image. Control.

We are passionate about adoption for a lot of right reasons, but I was also excited about adoption for some wrong reasons. It would give me control. I could choose age, I could choose gender (we weren't going to choose gender, but the option was there). I could start the process when I wanted to. It's no secret how much I dislike pregnancy and the early stages of having an infant. Adoption was my ticket out of that, while still giving me a child! Adoption seemed the perfect answer for me to get what I want, while still serving my idols, plus we were already passionate about it. Perfect, right? 

After seeing and confessing those major idols, many seemed to lack the hold they once had on me. I began to consider if I'd be willing to sacrifice my body once again to pregnancy and postpartum for another year. I began to consider if I'd be willing to endure pain, discomfort, challenge, exhaustion, stretch marks, all over again. There was a time not too long ago, that I imagined what I'd do if we accidentally got pregnant with a third baby. It was a horrifying thought. And probably a sign that I was holding much too tightly to something.

God seems to be closing the adoption door for the short term (at least until we move to a 3 bedroom), and at the exact same time, reigniting a desire in both Brad and I to have another baby. Despite everything. I can't explain this in the least, except that God did it.

And now? We are giddy. We can't wait. We are so excited to be trying - and trying starts THIS WEEK.

I believe God spared us from making the mistake of making adoption about us. We still feel called to adopt in the future, but I'm thankful we didn't start the process now - when all of the idols still held a place in my heart. When we adopt, it won't be because it's easier or the perfect solution to my myriade of first world problems.

I never ever ever thought we would have a 3rd baby. I claimed so surely that adoption was the next way (and the final way) we'd add to our family.

I'm beginning to see that God may have better plans.

Better, not because biological birth is better than adoption - heck no! Better because they're HIS plans for us. And not mine. 

raising kids of another race...

It's definitely occurred to us that when we opt for "no racial preferences" and "no gender preferences" as we're adopting from the foster care system in Quebec, we're practically enlisting to adopt a black male. 

That is 100% perfect and even exciting to me.

{Louie, Sandra Bullock's son was adopted from
the foster care system in the USA}

We have no problem whatsoever with adopting a child from another race, but we'd be naive to say that it won't be a challenge, and that our parenting experience with our black children will be exactly like that with our white children. It will be a challenge and it won't be the same as parenting Lily and Oli. 

Oddly enough, folks would rather not talk about race at all these days, for fear of appearing racist, but in doing so they're ignoring a God-given quality to someone (God decided that there would be black people in this world, and it is good that there are!), and doing a huge disservice to these people. To our potential child(ren). And so, I've been thinking about it. And talking about it. Because it's real and good. 

This post addresses some of the challenges a white mother faces raising her two black sons (alongside her two white daughters), and it was a great resource to me today. I also follow My Brown Baby, a blog she references in the post, and White Sugar Brown Sugar.

Would love any suggestions of resources or blogs about the issue if you know of any!

Here's a excerpt:

There is one aspect of parenting black children that is outside of something I can just learn though trial and error, though – and that’s how to teach my kids how to interact with the world as black men.  The question of how white parents can teach black children “how to be black” is one that is often thrown out by opponents of transracial adoption.  I don’t love this question because it implies that there is one monolithic experience of being black, or one right set of behaviors, attitudes, and experiences that somehow denote a person’s acceptance as a black person. I reject the idea that “being black” is something that my boys need to learn, because they ARE black.  The idea that some would view them as having “lost their black card” by way of having white parents is frustrating to me. 

a good cry and a beauitiful story

a friend passed this article on to me tonight.
it's the pure hope of our hearts way deep down and all throughout.
read it only if you're up for a good cry.

When I was just a little girl, like a wee little thing, I had a different mom and dad. And they were kind to me, but they had hurts and they had addictions and they didn't know how to take care of themselves, much less a wee girl and her little brother.

I mean, they tried. They hung on to us for several years, but things kept slipping and they kept falling and failing and they mustered up what strength they could, but they just couldn't make it work and they couldn't make it right. And so the policemen came over and over again, and took us away and my mama cried in the back of that police car, hands cuffed, and she told me that she loved me. And I knew in my little heart, as I looked up at her, tears streaming and mascara running, I knew that she really did love me. She just couldn't make it work.

And I still remember my daddy's face, another time, when the police finally caught up with him, and took his drugs and took his booze and took us kids. And even though I was just a little thing, legs not even long enough to dangle from the seat, I knew deep inside that he was in trouble and that he couldn't make it right.

And I cried for them because every little girl wants her mommy and needs her daddy, but they were gone, again, and I felt lost. And the social workers took us to some foster homes, lots of times they took us, but we were never safe. (Did you know bad guys can live in foster homes?) I lay in bed at night wishing they would go away. And I was just a little thing.

But, one day something beautiful happened. Something strange. The social workers came and got us and put our stuff in a brown paper bag and we met a different mom and dad. And they said they wanted us. Like, forever. And we could live with them and never go away. And I really liked the idea, but I didn't know what it really meant to trust, so deep inside I didn't believe them. Not yet.

So, we came to our new home, and I had a big brother and a big sister and from the get-go they loved us and they never made us feel afraid. And my mom and dad told me how they had prayed for us, because God had put it on their heart to, and so they asked Him to show them where we were and what to do. And one day my mama walked into that government office, saw our picture and knew right away. And she told that social worker that we were her kids. And the lady disagreed and tried to protest and said it wasn't possible, but my mama knew about the God of all the impossibles, and so it wasn't long before we came home. For good. And time passed and no one ever took us away, so I believed. 
And as days have turned to months which have turned to years, I still believe. I believe in that God of all the impossibles. And I've come to find that He's the One who rescues and He redeems, but He uses our hands and our feet. And He whispers His rescue plan into our hearts and hopes that we'll obey.

And this same God has healed those wounds from a mama and a daddy who just couldn't make it work and couldn't make it right. Because He gave me another mama and daddy who didn't have it altogether, but who depended on the only One who does. And people say that time heals all wounds, but I think it's love.

And every day I'm thankful that I've been rescued and that my life has been redeemed by the God who can make beauty from a mess. And I'm thankful for a family who became His hands and feet to reach out with a love that heals—reached out to the likes of me. When I was just a little thing.

(Thank you, Ma and Pa—a million times, and with tears, thank you.)

And thank You, Jesus, for always coming for me, for scooping me up and bringing me home. And thank You for how you take the bad and the ugly and the messed up in this world and You make it beautiful. You are good. You are so good. Amen.

culture of adoption

my prayer for our church, as we adopt!

Russell Moore from Christian Alliance for Orphans on Vimeo.

if only we lived in British Columbia...

@ Graceport Community Church

in Surrey, BC

May 11-12, 2012

more info here.

got 2 minutes?

Orphan Sunday 2011 from Christian Alliance for Orphans on Vimeo.

+ this quote = enough reasons to adopt.

a former foster child...

Adoption - Ray Sater from CTR Memphis on Vimeo.

the power of the Gospel

The gospel redeems and saves and ratifies and purifies and welcomes and adopts.

The gospel is one of the largest reasons we want to adopt.

Because we have experienced the redemption and salvation and ratification and purification and welcome and adoption by the work of Jesus on the cross, our hearts will never be the same and we understand that it doesn't end here or today.

I've read a lot of secular literature on adoption lately. It's not bad or unhelpful or invalid, but it's missing the Gospel. It's missing a degree of hope and joy found in and through adoption. Joy and Hope characterize hearts rooted in the gospel and will get us through the difficult seasons adoption is sure to bring. Secular literature I've found doesn't speak to that (obviously) and the reader is left, often, discouraged and numb to the beautiful act of adoption.

Because God calls us his kids and Jesus is not ashamed to call us family in the gospel, adoption is possible and right and good, even in the face of neglect, abuse, family structures, challenges, financial burdens, jealousy, and secular opinion on the matters of birth order and twinning and a host of other conundrums.

The gospel is why we're adopting

The gospel is how we'll adopt

The gospel will get us through

The gospel will be seen increasingly in our family because of adoption

it will be SO hard. there will be SO many challenges. 

But, there's the Gospel.

37 week ponderings

The finish line is in sight!!

I'm 37 weeks on Sunday, a mere 30 hours from now!

That means, I've *basically* made it to full-term!

I really didn't know how this past week would go. Part of me was so hoping to go into labour because I'm in extreme discomfort and that part is only getting worse... But most of me wanted to hold on for dear life because I know it's what's best for LG. Though I know many babies who have been born over 3 weeks early (so technically not at the 37 week/"full term" mark), and who are thriving and totally healthy, I did want to last as long as I (and LG) could. 

My doctor gave me some guidelines to follow and I've been a good patient. I had to miss church last week which wasn't great, but I didn't have a ride, and the stairs in the metro are very unforgiving to me. Thankfully this week I have a ride. Especially because Brad is preaching. Especially because I miss church and missed it last week. And especially because it could be my last Sunday for a few if I go into labour next week.

***

I need to write something because I'm hoping it will help convince my pained body and conflicted heart:

I'm thankful to still be pregnant with LG.

I'm thankful because it's what my doctor, whom I trust, recommended and hoped for. I'm thankful because it's what's best for him (to be born at 37 weeks or after). I'm thankful because I'm resting in God's perfect will for me and our family.

My body wants him out. My bad attitude (often) wants him out. My impatience wants him out.

But I'm thankful.

Thankful

Thankful

Thankful

Really needing to write and believe that more :)

***

In other news, my fingers have grown to the sausage-like state where my rings no longer fit. I'm wearing them around my neck and Lily loves to play with them. Our house is much more settled than it was last week too, so bringing home a baby would be easier than it would have been 7 days ago. All in all, we're feeling really excited and ready for LG. Not a glimmer of nerves (except maybe for the pain pre-epidural!), just thorough joy that in a few days or weeks, we'll have a baby boy in our nest.

We are a blessed people, us Morrices.

the term "full term"

in 1.5 weeks I'll be "full term"

"full term" is a good thing. for mama and for baby. but God's timing is GOOD too. and his may disagree with the term "full term"...

today I had my one-month-to-go appointment. Literally 1 month to the day before LG is due. I could barely get on the table I was in so much pain and he was so low I felt as if I could feel his head between my legs LITERALLY. Never had that with the Lilster, but this is a whole nother beast. because of the constant discomfort and close proximity between childbirths, my doctor has been *slightly* concerned all along, so she's done more vaginal exams than last time, just to keep an eye on things. and today, she kept her eye on a cervix that's been dilating... 2cm dilated to be exact. 

with Lily I was 2cm dilated for two weeks before she was born, nearly 2 weeks early. with LG, we'll see. but as second babies often come earlier than first babies, and are shorter labours (and L was only 7 hours from water breaking to heart breaking first sight of her), it's not ideal to be 2cm dilated a month before the due date... 

my doc was pretty concerned that I could go into labour this or next week. she (and I) would love to see me carry LG to "full term", but she has asked me to REALLY cut back on activity to strengthen the odds of not going into labour...like...now. meaning, as little lifting Lily as possible and no sex. the rest I've already been doing (staying off my feet, not traveling, etc). so in 1.5 weeks when I'm "full term" I'd love to still be carrying LG on the inside, but again, we'll see.

other than the whole "full term" concerns, we do feel ready to meet this guy! his bassinet is in our room, waiting. his craigslist svan bouncer is in our living room, waiting. my hospital bag is packed, waiting. his hospital bag is packed, waiting. his sister is clueless, but his parents are eager. waiting. ideally (in non medical reasoning), we'd have another week also, because we're not 100% moved into our new place, but emotionally, we're excited, not nervous in the least, and very anticipatory of his arrival. 

Hope to see you soon baby boy, "full term" or not, in God's perfect timing :)

Even Though my Oven's Working...

I'm SO excited to have this baby...

God's really blessed me with the gift of being able to bear children, and I don't take that lightly.

Thinking about how easy it was to conceive Lily and LG really do cause gratitude to pour out of my heart.

But when I see things like this, I can't shake the deep deep desire to add to our family through adoption.

A few weeks ago while I was getting a pedicure for my sister's wedding, I told the nail tech that I desired to adopt. Her and I were both pregnant (and yes hanging in a nail salon probably wasn't the best place for our babes, but we'll let that slide!), and she commented "but why adopt when your oven's working?"

Her question took me aback. Implying that those who want to adopt are more worthy of it if they can't conceive children. Or that there was no reason to adopt if you could bear children. Funny, I thought adopting was about the child, not about the parents, primarily.
I responded with a smile reminding her "well, there are a lot of children who need a good home out there, thousands more than are parents lining up to adopt them" to which she fully agreed.

I continue to be excited about LG's arrival and to see what he'll look like - will he be a mini-Brad or have more of my features as Lily does? But I also can't shake the feeling that God will one day be adding to our family in a completely different way. Even though my oven works.

can't wait

Tomorrow, as my husband reminded me today (where would I be without him!? missing appointments to say the least...) is my first doctor's appointment with Dr. Hall for baby No. 2. Which means we get to hear his/her heartbeat! What a sweet sweet sound. I have to admit I'm always a bit nervous that we won't hear it or find it. Until tomorrow we've just assumed everything is perfectly fine, but we won't know anything until we hear that heartbeat. Now, with this baby I'm far less concerned. Partly because I've had one healthy baby and all my worrying for Lily was for naught, and partly because Lily is such a great distraction that my mind just can't always go 'there'. It's too busy being present, with her. But it's always a bit scary...

Things that lead me to also worry less (and should have the last time I was pregnant but probably nothing could ease the worries of my first-time-mom-psycho-self) are my growing belly, the slight movements I've been feeling (though 13 weeks is early for that and I didn't feel Lily until around 16-17 weeks), and my continuous nausea and fatigue. It's funny how horrible all of that seems to be, but how wonderful at the same time, because it is all, indeed a sign of LIFE. 

Anyway... tomorrow is the day! Please pray with us and a healthy heartbeat and everything else :)