On April 20th - about 7 weeks from now, I'll be a boy's mom or a girl's mom. Technically I already am one or the other, but I won't know for sure and start seeing everything through that lense until my ultrasound.
MM, what will you be? A boy? A girl? After hearing the heartbeat this week, perspective hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't care. You're alive and well and ours.
I've thought a lot more about the sex of MM lately too especially since I'm riding a new wave of assurance after hearing our little baby's heart ticking... what an experience to remind me of what's important. I mean, the first month - December, was just crazy excitement and blissful ignorance (think traveling to North Africa while 1 week pregnant and having no idea, just being a bit sleepy 24/7).
some shots from our trip to North Africa over Christmas break. Completely in the dark until about the second to last day when I began to feel nauseous and had extremely heightened tastes and smells of nearly everything (and this is NOT an easy country to have this symptom!)
Then there was the second month - Mid January-February. To recap: yawning, sleeping, barfing, crying, repeat. Not to mention complaining. You remember, you read alllll about it. I felt so bad for myself (partly justified, I was after all heaving daily) that I lost perspective completely. I spent a lot of time defending my pregnancy. Reminding people of my fatigue and the cause: a child being fashioned in my body. Reminding people that I am indeed pregnant even though I didn't look it. Reminding people who simply meant well that I wasn't getting "too much sleep" but that I simply needed me and would still be fatigued at this stage of pregnancy.
It was a hard month. A lot of difficulty and no bump or sign of the nausea or fatigue ever ending. I thought a lot about myself during that month, and very little about MM. I think part of me was protecting myself. I wouldn't dare buy anything baby related, think about being a mom for more than 5 minutes, or get *too* attached. I couldn't shake the fear that I could miscarry at any moment and was still largely living in the dark regarding my pregnancy to the majority of my friends. I didn't think much about MM in a personal way. I was too afraid to. I just worried about MM and was bothered by my symptoms.
And then the 3rd month came. Sort of like how they say March "comes in like a lion and out like a lamb" in regards to starting all winter-y and ending with spring weather. But think sickness, fatigue, and belly size. The beginning of February was pretty much the same as January. Sick, tired, bump-less. I was becoming more confident by the day that MM was healthy as the 1st trimester drew to a close. I was starting to show a bit more and when I wore *just the right outfit* I looked pregnant :) My nausea and fatigue also lessened though they make occasional visits to this day.
And this week we entered March. It's my 14th and 15th weeks of pregnancy and I'm almost back to form, eating foods again that I thought I'd never stand the smell or taste of again (meat. yum.) and sleeping much less while I "show" more in the belly region.
The journey through the first few months of pregnancy had been long and winding. As you can tell there have been a lot of changes, and to think I've only gained between 2-4 pounds! Seems like I've gained a new personality/character traits/opinions/fears/doubts/dreams/and new wardrobe. That seems much more significant! My perspective changed once again after hearing little MM, beating away in my belly. All of the symptoms have been hard to deal with, and definitely the uncertainty of the first trimester was a really big faith barrier to overcome, but this new place - beating hearts and 2nd trimesters - is exciting and I know it's going to be good.