some 'splainin to do...

So the word is out! I am PREGO. yes yes yes, thank you Lord!!! Now, to explain myself, because I know I kind of led y'all astray just a little bit. But I never lied, I promise :)

When I wrote this, saying, "I AM NOT PREGNANT", I didn't yet know I was. I took the test the next day and found out I was, though ;)

When I wrote this, saying "I'm not afraid to try again with the ovulation predictor kit", I was pregnant. And I led you to believe I wasn't, because I led you to believe we were trying for yet another month with this new awesome method. I chose my words carefully. If ever we try for a forth baby (doubt we will, but hey, who knows) the fear of "trying" and not conceiving wouldn't exist because the ovulation predictor pee sticks are that awesome. They seriously took all the stress and worry out of trying, and after using them to pin point ovulation, we both said "wow, that was great! if we're not prego, next month will be SO MUCH BETTER than months past!" Thankfully, though, we were :)

When I wrote this, saying "IF I WERE PREGNANT RIGHT NOW", I wasn't lying either, just maybe causing some doubt or leaving it obscure. I was pregnant right then, and am so thankful that my kids will be as close in age as they will be.

So there you have it! I tried to keep it under wraps for as long as I could, but then my extreme nausea began (just like the other pregnancies, right at 6 weeks) and my baby bump came out of nowhere, so people left and right were guessing or asking if I was pregnant. So the news came out early. Now you all know! Which is more fun anyway, because I can begin to write about the pregnancy and have more support as I journey through these next very hard weeks.

Some things I'll be writing about soon:

• Reasons why we announced our pregnancy so early (there are other reasons besides the bump and obvious sickness)
• Travel plans with baby #3 in utero (baby will be taking two trips before he/she is born!)
• Picking a name for baby #3
• Telling Lily (Oli is clueless, as she was at his age when he was born)
• The lack of excitement from the general public when it's your third pregnancy (the 1st is such big news but we've noticed a steady decline in public response as we've had more)
• Fabulous maternity clothes I'm drooling over (I got rid of all mine since we thought we were done so it's time to do some shopping!)
• Where will baby sleep?
• Will I attempt breastfeeding after two horrible experiences?
• Will I get an epidural after experiencing one birth with and one without?
• etc, etc, etc

Stay tuned! 

review of the ovulation predictor kit after month #1

Guys, I love it.

Or should I say ladies? Because I hope no guys are reading our journey through trying to conceive a third child this closely. Unless it's you, Dad. I love you.

But anyway. The ovulation pee sticks are AMAZING.

After going off the pill and not getting pregnant the first or second month, it occurred to me that this time trying may be harder than the first two. Not a fun realization, but an important one. I had to look at my options. Sure, there are many, but the way I saw it, I had four.

1. Have sex every day or every other day. You're bound to hit an ovulating day some time!
2. Take my basal body temperature every morning and chart ovulation that way.
3. Count the days from the first day of my last period, determine the length of my cycle, and discover my ovulation day based on that.
4. Use an ovulation predictor kit (pee sticks daily) to discover when I'm ovulating.

They all have pros and cons, but after 5 months of option #1 and #3 simultaneously, I was down to option #2 or #4. Here's the thing with taking your basal body temperature - it's only effective if you take it at the exact same time every day, before you get out of bed, and only if you've had several hours of sleep preceding taking your temperature. I learned this from a friend who spent a YEAR doing this method with no avail, and who conceived on her 13th month of trying - the first month using the pee sticks (option #4).

So right then I knew option #2 was not for me. I'm a highly irregular sleeper and often wake several times a night whether it's a bathroom break or caring for a toddler with a bad dream or just because I straight up can't sleep. Plus I wake up at different times every morning, and anything that I need to do FIRST THING before even getting out of bed when I'm still groggy is bound to be forgotten by me. Lastly, several friends who are in the TTC boat with me had shared how the daily temperature taking was stressful and took over their life in one way or another. One friend's doctor even suggested she stop because it was clearly causing stress, which can make it harder to conceive!

So after 5 months of option #1 and #3 and counting out option #2, I decided to try for option #4 - the pee sticks. You can buy them for $1.25 per test (you test daily, remember) at Dollarama or for 5x the price at the drug store. I went with Dollarama. Obvs. For the record, I've bought their pregnancy tests for my first two pregnancies too, and they work!

Every day, between the hours of 10am and 7pm (what a nice window, eh? no stress at doing it the same time every day!) you take 1 test. Urinate on the stick and in 3 minutes it tells you if you're to ovulate within 24 hours. Did you catch that? These tests give you ADVANCED WARNING. Basal body temperature only tells you that you're ovulating at that exact moment or that you have. Neither gives you much time to plan ;)

So I had a slight idea of when I was ovulating based on option #3, though wasn't counting on it being correct since I hadn't gotten pregnant on assuming those dates alone. So I did a test daily for about a week. When it tested negative, there was no pressure. Trying when the sole purpose is to conceive can be a lot of pressure. When it tested positive, we knew within 24-36 hours I would ovulate, so that was go time. With option #1, I never knew what day was THE DAY so if we missed a day there was horrible worry and stress. With option #4, we knew we did the best we could and that was all we could. We knew we gave it our best shot on the day that it truly counts, and the rest was up to God. What a relief!

My review of this TTC method is obviously glowing, but I think the greatest thing I can say is I'm not afraid to use it again. Every month before this when I found out I wasn't pregnant I dreaded another month of trying (amidst the general disappointment of not being pregnant) but this time, I'm not afraid to try again. I'm not afraid to use the pee sticks again. They made trying as stress-free and simple as it could be. And when it's been half a year, that's what you really want :)

Not Pregnant to-do List

It's now been 5 months of trying to have a baby. Which pales in comparison to how long some wait to become parents, I know. But it's also 4 months longer than we waited for our first two pregnancies, so it's been tough.

In all, I've been less frustrated and sad with each passing month. Maybe some experience the opposite feelings, but for me the first month was devastating because I was convinced I was pregnant. The second month was quite hard too because I was expecting this pregnancy attempt to be brief like my first two pregnancy attempts were. Not so. But as the months have passed I've accepted more and more that we can't control these things, but that God can (and he is Good no matter what), and to trust him.

I think too, because it's taking a while to get pregnant, I'm now assuming we won't be pregnant with each passing month. I'm getting used to not being pregnant, whereas at the beginning I was not familiar with the wait.

One thing that's helping is I'm trying to enjoy not being pregnant for as long as God sees fit to have me this way. What are some things I can't do when pregnant? I should do them now and enjoy them fully! What are some symptoms I suffer when pregnant? I need to appreciate the lack of them in these days that I'm waiting to be pregnant. Have a look at the list I've compiled to help me do just that:

Not Pregnant to-do List:

Enjoy the mornings with Lily and Oli. Soon I’ll trade in smiling toddlers for a toilet bowl full of morning sickness.

Take the kids out and about most days. Soon I’ll trade in adventurous days for couch lounging and guilt that my kid’s haven’t seen the sun in days.

Bake sweets and enjoy eating them. Normally I have an aversion to sweets in my first trimester.

Eat low-sodium while I can. On that note, I often eat my weight in salted French fries when I’m pregnant.

Eat, Drink, and be Merry. Soon food will taste weird or awful and yummy drinks will be on the black list (I’m talking to you, Christmas ales, rich red wines, and good ol’ G&Ts!) and fatigue will override festiveness.

Stay up late and wake up early and live to tell the tale. Extreme fatigue is part of pregnancy that is doubled when I take meds to handle morning sickness, so I’ll try to savour the energy I have now.

Use my friend’s hot tub often. Hot water on the baby bump is ill advised but oh so relaxing.

Go out for all-you-can-eat sushi and take it seriously. As in really push the limits of the word “can”. Soon raw fish will be a no-no.

Guilt-free coffee guzzling. I’ve had coffee aversions in my 1^st trimester for both pregnancies, but after that, I always wish I could down several cups a day to combat the fatigue. I can now, so I must ;)

Back exercises and yoga. Speaking of mussles, my lower back muscles are in terrible shape after the almost- Irish twins. I’ve been told that strengthening my lower back will lessen pregnancy pain there, so I’ve got to find some exercises and get going!

taking a step towards understanding my fertility more

I've decided that taking my temperature daily and closely monitoring physical signs just isn't for me. My friend Heather recently suggested that doing that may lead to more stress, and in fact her friend's doctor encouraged her to STOP charting her temperatures because it was causing more stress (and we all know stress makes conceiving less likely). I was already leaning towards that, and had never began the process. To me, it's too much to look into, every.single.day. So other than taking note of my monthly cycle, I wasn't doing anything.

This month Brad and I want to have more fun together and this baby madness is making things stressful, so we've opted to stop talking about pregnancy and conceiving. WHAT A GOOD IDEA. As much as I want to be pregnant, like, yesterday, and want to have my children close in age, it's not happening right now and that's out of my control.

One thing we've talked about doing though is taking ovulation tests so we know FOR CERTAIN when I am ovulating. In the past, every day I've had one symptom or another and assumed I'm ovulating. Or if we don't have a chance to "try" for a baby that day, I worry that I was ovulating that very day and we missed out and can't try again for another month. It's all too much. One of my friends who took a bit longer to conceive her second child went this route and had good things to say about it. She recommended this test kit, and I think it's worth the $30. It would simplify trying and take out the guess work that is making me crazy. It would take the pressure off and help me know my cycle better. Sounds like a plan! I'll buy it next month, when/if I begin my cycle again.

Have you ever used ovulation/fertility predictors?

little update on the whole trying thing.

In short: It's not working.

In long: We're still not pregnant, and I'm struggling with why and how and what.
With my first two children I was pregnant the first time we tried. Yes, I was 23 and 24 and that's crazy young and wildly fertile, but I'm still just 26. So age is obviously not a factor. Stress very well could be, and seems to be the main suggestion everyone has. We have a lot going on right now, and the added deep down desire to BE pregnant makes trying a bit stressful. And there's the mechanics - everything is probably working fine since we've conceived twice before (right?).

One friend has a suggestion that I hadn't thought of and kind of love/hate. Maybe we're trying on the wrong day(s)? Wouldn't that be funny and awful at the same time? How frustrating! But also, what a relief and easy solution. I don't take my basal body temperature or do anything like that. I was just keeping close track of my periods and from that figuring out the length of my cycle, and thus noting the likely days for ovulation. But I could be wrong. Not on the days of my period - I can count up to 30 uhthankyou. But on the days that I'm ovulating. And with everything we have going on right now let's just say we're not "trying" every single day of the month. Ahem.

So maybe we're trying on the wrong days and most likely we're stressing out far too much over it. Yes, we deeply desire a third baby. With every passing day I want one more. The logistics are making it harder for me to be patient - Oli is getting older and the gap between him and baby #3 are set to be almost 2 years if we get pregnant THIS month, and that was kind of the maximum I wanted between kids, not to mention life with my two is getting easier. Lily will be starting partial daycare a few days a week soon and I'll have the time to bond more with Oli and rest more if I were pregnant. How ideal, right? Yet, I'm not.

I think this month and here after we're going to "try more frequently" and try to relax. Knowing the days we assume I'm ovulating has made is worse and more stressful, I think. The days are full of anxiety and the days after are full of stress and hope and frustration knowing we can't do anything but wait until I get my period (or don't, fingers always crossed for don't).

And I'm so sick of reading into the symptoms! I know I wrote about it already, but I can't ignore them. Being more aware of my body means I'm hypersensitive to any change or feeling and I essentially always think I'm pregnant, making the discovery that I'm not more painful each month.

So, more attempts, less stress, no more charting days, just having fun. Worth a try :)

not yet, God says.

Those words, uttered by my husband, were so comforting to me yesterday. Another month of trying (this was technically number three), another period. Not pregnant.

I took the discovery much better than I did in New York. Maybe because I was convinced I was pregnant in NY, so the news almost felt like a miscarriage (though I am certain I can't say that accurately and don't want to be insensitive to those who have suffered through miscarriages - all I can say is I felt as though I lost a baby, not hope of a baby, because I was so sure I was pregnant).

This time, however, I didn't really feel pregnant and refused to look into the "common symptoms" I was feeling. And New York taught me to guard my heart more, and not get hopes up early. In all, I was more trusting of God with His plan for our family when I discovered I was surely not pregnant this month. And I'm much happier in his presence this way, even though my hopes and his plans didn't cross paths this time.

Also, this month got me thinking about if I WERE pregnant. I've never been so public with trying on this blog. You all knew we were thinking about trying, but not the details, with Lily. And nothing with Oli until I was indeed, pregnant.  So this time around, the day after I'm supposed to get my period, you'll be like "SO!?" and if I don't blog right away our secret will be out before we even tell our families (if you assume silence means pregnant.)

Anyhow, to clear that potential problem up, from here on out, I'm not going to blog about specific dates (i.e. I'm Ovulating! or My Period Is Due Tomorrow!). And When we get the news either way, I probably won't blog about that right away either, so please wait on me to tell you instead of asking :)

Here's to month #4 of trying! Hoping it's THE month, but loving what God is doing in my heart as I wait.

20 signs you might be pregnant (PUH-LEASE)

Are you familiar with the 20 most common signs you might be preggers? Allow me.

1. swollen/tender breasts
2. darkening areolas
3. cramping
4. spotting
5. urinary frequency/constipation
6. fatigue
7. nausea
8. smell sensitivity
9. elevated temperature
10. missing period
11. unusual hunger/cravings
12. increase in secretions
13. headaches
14. mood swings
15. feeling faint/dizy
16. metallic taste in your mouth
17. vivid dreams
18. muscle aches
19. sweating 
20. increase of oil in hair and skin

Can we talk about the fact that I have at least eight of these symptoms ALL THE TIME?  I mean, how dare "fatigue" be on any list, really? Isn't that the most general symptom for basically everything? Slash the general reality for most people, let alone all moms? Gosh.

Fun facts:
With Lily's pregnancy, before I even missed my period I had these symptoms:

1. urinary frequency/constipation
2. serious fatigue
3. nausea
4. smell sensitivity
5. feeling faint
6. metallic taste (this one really got me weirded out because it was SO clear. I commented that I felt as if I'd put a handful of change in my mouth.)

With Oli's pregnancy, I had NO SYMPTOMS until two weeks after my missed period. Except maybe fatigue, but I had a 5 month old, so I wasn't reading into that!

Later on in both pregnancies I had the dreaded morning sickness and extreme fatigue (made worse by the anti-nausea medicines). And with Oli's pregnancy alone I had flu-like symptoms around the 2-month mark (aches and pains, fever).

Each pregnancy was so different. Each pregnancy is so different, for everyone.  The symptoms list is kind of a crock because most women walking the earth today have at least a few of them, and I know some lucky ladies who had only a handful when pregnant.

And if you're wondering, I'm not feeling pregnant right now (and am not, to my knowledge). I have the regular handful of symptoms that I often have pre-period (or any time!) and I have fewer symptoms than I did in NYC when I truly thought I was pregnant. So I'm not assuming that this month is the month, even though obviously I hope it is. But it could be... if this pregnancy is like mine with Oli. Oh this game!

six days to go... (written on September 24th)

Any mom will tell you waiting to find out if you're pregnant is one of the hardest things. Whether you are desperate to conceive or not planning on a pregnancy, when you think you might be pregnant, it's killer not knowing. And that's where I sit right now. Six days before my period is expected. Falling in the former category - as in wanting this baby like a mad woman.

I still shake my head in disbelief about our serious desire for a third baby. This was so not in the plan and SO the desire of our hearts. Which is making these six days brutal.

It's also hard not to read into  E V E R Y T H I N G.

My parents came to NYC for the weekend and we were sightseeing nonstop. Their first day we walked all the way to Time Square and back to the Upper West Side (4 hours), which would make anyone tired, but of course I couldn't help but think "is this pregnancy fatigue!?". Similarly, I'm *thinking* I'm noticing other symptoms but am very  aware of my desire to be pregnant which may effect my discernment. 

I cried at the 9/11 memorial. Didn't think I would. pregnancy emotions!?

My lower abdominal seems slightly fuller in the last couple days. Third pregnancy in 2 years could easily result in this! Or I ate a whole lot while my parents were cooking for me + footing the bill for take out. 

I've been going to bed at 9:30 or 10pm, usually I go to bed after 11pm. pregnancy exhaustion!? Or cooler nights and shorter days.

My bra is feeling tighter and perhaps I'm fuller up top. Pregnancy breast tenderness!? Or premenstrual breast tenderness. 

I hope hope hope that all of these signs are related to another baby joining our family, in a way we never thought one would. But unfortunately I know the drill. Almost all pregnancy symptoms are premenstrual symptoms. And so we wait.

on not being pregnant and the pill

I should have known not to get my hopes up when I thought I was pregnant in New York. It was only our second month of trying (and our first month was when I stopped taking the pill mid-cycle when Baby Fever hit), but it was still so hard.

See, with Lily, we went off the pill for three months before trying (and used other methods to not get pregnant) as we'd been encouraged to do that so the pill wouldn't still be in my system when we were trying. Partly because there was concern it could be bad for the baby if we did conceive asap and partly because it wouldn't reflect authentic "trying" since it could make it harder to conceive. Not sure how legit all of these concerns were, but we took the advice, and then conceived the 1st month we were trying (after the 3 months using other methods).

Between Lily and Oli I never went back on the pill. Probably obvious since I was pregnant with him when she was 4 months old. It's hard to know exactly how long it took to conceive him because my period postpartum was really light and I wasn't actually even sure I'd had a period yet (could have just been spotting, I figured). My best guess is that it took 1-2 months to conceive him.

In both cases, it was basically immediate, making the second month of trying for baby #3 challenging. I know most women try for many months, even years (!) before conceiving, and I dread the thought of seeming insensitive to them, but I can't deny that my heart hurt last month. To make matters worse, I had a lot of "symptoms" that made me think I was pregnant (oh how annoying it is that period and pregnancy symptoms are basically THE SAME), so when I got my period I was grieving big time. But God and Brad are both so good and gentle to me, and both lead me to joy and hope soon there after. Brad and I even watched Friends With Kids (crude but really fresh and interesting take on the classic prego-rom-com) that night and I wasn't overly sad even though I was watching people get pregnant. Good sign.

Which brings me to this month. The pill has now been out of my system for the recommended 3 months and it's our third month of trying for our third baby. I've done my best to chill out about expectations, and since this time I really have no phantom pregnancy symptoms, I'm assuming I'm not pregnant. We'll see.

One thing is for sure - I'm not positive the pill is to blame for the added challenge this time around, but I do wish I didn't go back on it between Oli and baby #3. I was so fearful (hello, idols!) of getting pregnant that I assumed I needed to take it, but after talking to a lot of friends who use non-hormonal contraception, I'm wishing I went that route.

Has anyone had a similar experience?

Written on September 20th - waiting + shopping

My week of fertility (so we think) has come and gone, and now all we can do is wait. Wait and shop, that is.

I'm not sure it's the wisest thing in the world - buying maternity clothes before conceiving - but I did it tonight. Both Gap and Old Navy have a fabulous maternity selection and both were having enormous sales. Both had discounts on their sale items (Old Navy - 15%, Gap - 25%), so clothes that were already grossly marked down were an additional discount. We're talking stylish maternity tops for $6, people. I had to.

In the back of mine and Brad's minds is the nagging thought that we may not conceive as easily the third time around. We weren't trying last month, but we weren't using protection, and we didn't get pregnant. With Lily and Oli, the second we were off the pill it seemed we were with child. But not this time. Which is not at all worrisome and I know it takes a few months minimum for most, but I'm a worrier. I worry. It's not good and I'm working on it. But in the back of my mind is that fear that I won't conceive quickly. And I just spent $80 on maternity clothes.

But hear me out. Both of my pregnancies (after 1 month of trying) had me in my third trimester in the heat of summer. I got by for the majority of winter and spring with the Bella band. Towards the very end of the cold weather I wore maternity jeans, and a couple tops, but mostly because they were novel and a tad more comfortable. This time, if I get pregnant this or next month (fingers crossed) I'll be my biggest in the spring, but definitely showing in the winter too. And I have no maternity clothes for cold weather. This sale was hard to pass up and I have birthday money to consider. So I went ahead and bought winter maternity clothes (most that can transition into other seasons and when I'm not preggers too) before being pregnant. I'm that girl.

I'm waiting to get pregnant. My heart is set on it. My wardrobe is ready (in 7-10 business days, thank you free shipping). But I'm not pregnant. Not yet.

written on September 13th... Officially Trying!

So guess what? We are trying to have a third baby.
WHAT!? I know. I never thought I'd type that either.

And as I write this, none of you know, because I'm less comfortable this time around, being so public with our intentions. ***things are now out in the open as of October 16th***

Part of me loves the secret. Not even our families saw it coming. Really, we didn't either. God moved and worked in our hearts in a very tangible way and both of us, nearly overnight, were very sure we were to have a third baby before adopting. I don't want to over-spiritualize it, but this is pretty darn close to God telling me something. Being more than obvious. Closing and opening doors. Moving hearts. Changing minds. Granting desire where there once was none.

You've read a bit about it here already.

What started as tacky baby fever (doing the quintessential act of sorting old baby clothes) began to shape and form our thoughts. Brad had been wavering on the vasectomy already. It would be so final. He wasn't 100% sure he didn't want more. But I thought I was. 

Then after exhaustive research (hard to do when most online documents for domestic adoption in Quebec are in French!), we were fairly certain we couldn't adopt in our current living situation anyway. We already have two kids in a bedroom with no choice but to add the adopted sibling to the mix. There are rules on this. There are also rules on an adopted sibling only sharing a bedroom with same gendered siblings. We just bought a 2 bedroom house and are absolutely unable to move for at least 3-4 years.

Did we want to wait 3-4+ years before starting the adoption process? Did we want to wait 4-5 years to add to our family? Absolutely not. Lily and Oli are so close and that's how we've always wanted it. 5 years before adding a sibling seemed intense and it wouldn't be an ideal for us. This realization came about at the exact same time (mere hours, really) as baby fever + vasectomy doubts. Everything was mounting.

We decided to take a week to seek hard after God on this. I asked a lot of my close girlfriends to pray for us. I spent hours journaling, pouring out my heart to God. What came out? Idols. Long lists of idols. I didn't know half of them had a hold on me, and was shocked that they were all major reasons that I didn't want a 3rd baby before adopting.

Comfort. Body image. Control.

We are passionate about adoption for a lot of right reasons, but I was also excited about adoption for some wrong reasons. It would give me control. I could choose age, I could choose gender (we weren't going to choose gender, but the option was there). I could start the process when I wanted to. It's no secret how much I dislike pregnancy and the early stages of having an infant. Adoption was my ticket out of that, while still giving me a child! Adoption seemed the perfect answer for me to get what I want, while still serving my idols, plus we were already passionate about it. Perfect, right? 

After seeing and confessing those major idols, many seemed to lack the hold they once had on me. I began to consider if I'd be willing to sacrifice my body once again to pregnancy and postpartum for another year. I began to consider if I'd be willing to endure pain, discomfort, challenge, exhaustion, stretch marks, all over again. There was a time not too long ago, that I imagined what I'd do if we accidentally got pregnant with a third baby. It was a horrifying thought. And probably a sign that I was holding much too tightly to something.

God seems to be closing the adoption door for the short term (at least until we move to a 3 bedroom), and at the exact same time, reigniting a desire in both Brad and I to have another baby. Despite everything. I can't explain this in the least, except that God did it.

And now? We are giddy. We can't wait. We are so excited to be trying - and trying starts THIS WEEK.

I believe God spared us from making the mistake of making adoption about us. We still feel called to adopt in the future, but I'm thankful we didn't start the process now - when all of the idols still held a place in my heart. When we adopt, it won't be because it's easier or the perfect solution to my myriade of first world problems.

I never ever ever thought we would have a 3rd baby. I claimed so surely that adoption was the next way (and the final way) we'd add to our family.

I'm beginning to see that God may have better plans.

Better, not because biological birth is better than adoption - heck no! Better because they're HIS plans for us. And not mine. 

on worry.

a friend of mine (and not Ryan and Ashley, yes it's true, women are becoming pregnant left right and center in my life right now!) just announced that they're pregnant and the first additional piece of information was that she's worried. They're about 6 weeks along I think, and are worried since they're not "out of the woods" in relation to the higher chance of miscarriage in the first trimester. I can imagine her worry and relate to it which is the point of this post.

Worry. Is it a woman thing? A human thing? A beatable thing?

I'm not pregnant but I have heard of so many couples recently who are. For some unknown reason it makes me worried we won't become pregnant, even when there's no evidence to support that (heck, we are officially "trying" for the first time as we speak!). My friend is pregnant but is worried of a miscarriage. Even when one obstacle is overcome (conception) another looms.

In addition I have another friend who has experienced the tragic death of a child and has just reached the due date for her second child. I can only imagine the worry that was present for all 9 months even when you're "out of the woods". But will her worry disappear when her baby is born healthy? Will our worries ever disappear?

Other friends are moms and they worry all the time. At a young age it's about health, development. As they age it becomes about school, friends, hopes and dreams. Can a mom ever not worry? Can a woman ever not worry? I want to say yes. I want the verses I found today in God's Word to be my yes while I'm worried about conceiving, carrying, and caring for child. But I don't know if it's a decision to make today forever, I think it's a daily choice to trust God with what you can't control and know that what He has for me if best, because it's His, not because it's my perfect plan.

Proverbs 12:25
Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down,but a good word makes him glad

Matthew 6:25-30

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

here we go again

official try #1 this month! So much is going on this month for us with traveling to Ontario to visit both sides of the family, a huge conference starting on boxing day with work, and a work trip taking place from the 11th-18th in Africa... Should be interesting, joyous, visionary, but a bit stressful (those who know me better are laughing and saying "you mean a LOT stressful").
Knowing that stress can largely effect the results, I wouldn't be surprised if it took until after this insane season :)
But we'll have fun tryin'!

50 days

my first post and essentially the first day we began "trying" was 50 days ago.

50 days ago we began this journey, but TODAY we can begin it for real... we want to get pregnant in December or after. Up until now we've been passively trying, secretly (or not so secretly when you have a blog I guess...) hoping that we wouldn't get pregnant until AFTER November. Novembers possible day has come and gone, so now it's ON! Let the games begin!!

NOT pregnant

Took the 1st response test today since it is 5 days before my period is due and saw the lonely line (his other pink line friend indicates pregnancy).

I'm ok with it. Part of me is disappointed (as many people suggested I would) even though if I were pregnant this month it would cause some changes in our summer plans that I wasn't fond of... weird how the mind works eh? I was terrified, didn't want this to happen, wasn't embracing the possibility, until only one line appears, and then it's all sunny hindsight... "it would have been great to get pregnant in November!" "Why would anyone NOT want to get pregnant in November!?" and so on...

But this does mean all of those cons listed before are gone. From here on out, if we become pregnant in December, January, February, or onward, we can still go to North Africa on missions this summer, to France en route home, and even to the set-up trip this December. In fact the next time we'll be "trying" will be IN North Africa.

Common December!!!

Today I bought:
Prenatal Vitamins & a pregnancy test (to use if I'm late this month)
!!!!

"fertile"

So apparently, this Thanksgiving weekend (when my mother-in-law and her husband are staying with us) I'm what all the ovulation websites (yes such things exist to my surprise in surplus!) call "FERTILE"

Wow. First actual chance to get pregnant. Big weekend ahead! Actually, scratch that... if I were to get pregnant this weekend, the baby would be born in July 2010. Making me 6+ months pregnant on North Africa project this summer. No thanks! Again, there's not too much control with this "Russian Roulette" so maybe it's a good thing Brad's parents are down the hall all weekend ;)

We both said it would be great for us to get pregnant around December, making our baby born about September 2010. Ideal for many reasons including that our baby would get the "January advantage" kids get in Ontario (being the eldest in their classes growing up) because here in Quebec, the cut off date is actually September, not January. Though mostly, I want to participate in North Africa Project this summer which would be all the more likely and altogether possible if I were around 3-5 months pregnant during the trip (best time to travel experts say!)

Anyway, this'll be the first chance we have to get pregnant since going off the pill. We're actually hoping not to get pregnant yet, but not doing anything to stop it either. Guess nature will run it's course! Happy Thanksgiving everyone :)

Old Enough?

I was young to get engaged - 21
I was young to get married - 22
I'm young to be trying to get pregnant - 23 (as of today, in fact!)

"So what's the rush", as people always ask?

1) when I met Brad, I'd never met a Christian man like him. He was perfect for me. I was surprised every time I learned more about him, finding more and more things that compliment my personality, likes, habits, perspectives, family history, faith journey, etc. Not that we're exactly the same at all, but compliment is the key word. And he does. He was the one, why wait?

2) When I met Brad the timing was right. I was done university, we both had full-time jobs, and he was the crutial 4 years older than me, making us ready at the same time to get engaged (isn't it great how it took that extra 4 years to bring us to the right place?! Oh boys to men....)

3) A long engagement didn't suit us. He lived in Montreal, I lived in Hamilton. Our work was waiting for us in Montreal, and we chose not to live or sleep together before marriage. Our wedding wasn't outrageously expensive and we divided up paying for our wedding into 1/3 for each of our parents and of course us, so saving up for us or our parents wasn't as necessary as if we had a really big and expensive wedding and it was put on one person. 6 months engagement was fine, and so we were married - 6 months after getting engaged, 1 year after beginning to date, 17 months after meeting each other

4) Starting young suits the family we're dreaming of. We've always wanted a medium-large sized family. 3-4 kids is our dream. We also want them fairly close together (1-2 years apart each, max, ideally of course). Also, even if we get pregnant immediately, Brad will be 28 when our first child is born, and I, 24 (approx). I would love to be done having babies in my early 30's, if not by 30. Maybe a pipe dream, but that's what we're talking about here - our dream scenario.

5) We believe we're ready. We had some scares (read: thought we were pregnant and didn't know that we were ready) early on in our marriage. Think one month in...and oops, my periods late. And yes, I did forget the pill from time to time... Though I was terrified, Brad rose to the occasion like a Saint. He reminded me that God is in control, that we love each other and have people in our lives who we can watch and learn Christian parenting from... He was a dream! a day later, my monthly friend came. But my perspective changed.

That was nearly a year ago, and since then we have had other "Near-Child Experiences" that made us realize if it did hap[pen, we could handle it, and we started to get attached to the idea as well. This summer we had a "Near-Child Experience" though we were not yet trying and still using the pill. Only a short 24 hours of thinking it could happen, but about a million emotions flooding our minds. And then my period came. This time we cried. If that was as hard as it was, how hard will a miscarriage be? I pray against that experience, but statistics tell me it could easily happen to me. Yet, through these experiences, we believe we are ready, and are eager to join the baby bump ranks :)

6) My mom is one of my heroes. I love my mom, I admire her parenting, I loved my childhood, my sister and I are close as a result, I believe, of her parenting skills in raising us to play together, be best friends, kiss and hug each other when we're sad, etc. She stayed home with us for a few years before going back to work (something I've been thinking about lately and what we'll do in that regard). Mom was young when she met my Dad. He's sweet, blond and blue-eyed, hard working, and so handsome... so she fell for him, getting married at 22, and being done her child-rearing days at 25 when I was born. Is there anything wrong with wanting to be like your mom? I hope not :) The times have changed, but she's still heroic to me, so if God wills, I'll follow those foot steps.

"RUSSIAN ROULETTE"

this summer my friend Jen used this term when discussing Brad and my current approach to getting pregnant. We're not actively "trying" in the sense that we're not timing sex around certain days nor are we watching the calender like hawks. We're just not using protection. Russian roulette. Only we're hoping to be "shot in the head" as it were, unlike in the actual game of roulette :)

1 more week

we're going off the pill in 1 week...

eee!