taking a step towards understanding my fertility more

I've decided that taking my temperature daily and closely monitoring physical signs just isn't for me. My friend Heather recently suggested that doing that may lead to more stress, and in fact her friend's doctor encouraged her to STOP charting her temperatures because it was causing more stress (and we all know stress makes conceiving less likely). I was already leaning towards that, and had never began the process. To me, it's too much to look into, every.single.day. So other than taking note of my monthly cycle, I wasn't doing anything.

This month Brad and I want to have more fun together and this baby madness is making things stressful, so we've opted to stop talking about pregnancy and conceiving. WHAT A GOOD IDEA. As much as I want to be pregnant, like, yesterday, and want to have my children close in age, it's not happening right now and that's out of my control.

One thing we've talked about doing though is taking ovulation tests so we know FOR CERTAIN when I am ovulating. In the past, every day I've had one symptom or another and assumed I'm ovulating. Or if we don't have a chance to "try" for a baby that day, I worry that I was ovulating that very day and we missed out and can't try again for another month. It's all too much. One of my friends who took a bit longer to conceive her second child went this route and had good things to say about it. She recommended this test kit, and I think it's worth the $30. It would simplify trying and take out the guess work that is making me crazy. It would take the pressure off and help me know my cycle better. Sounds like a plan! I'll buy it next month, when/if I begin my cycle again.

Have you ever used ovulation/fertility predictors?

on not being pregnant and the pill

I should have known not to get my hopes up when I thought I was pregnant in New York. It was only our second month of trying (and our first month was when I stopped taking the pill mid-cycle when Baby Fever hit), but it was still so hard.

See, with Lily, we went off the pill for three months before trying (and used other methods to not get pregnant) as we'd been encouraged to do that so the pill wouldn't still be in my system when we were trying. Partly because there was concern it could be bad for the baby if we did conceive asap and partly because it wouldn't reflect authentic "trying" since it could make it harder to conceive. Not sure how legit all of these concerns were, but we took the advice, and then conceived the 1st month we were trying (after the 3 months using other methods).

Between Lily and Oli I never went back on the pill. Probably obvious since I was pregnant with him when she was 4 months old. It's hard to know exactly how long it took to conceive him because my period postpartum was really light and I wasn't actually even sure I'd had a period yet (could have just been spotting, I figured). My best guess is that it took 1-2 months to conceive him.

In both cases, it was basically immediate, making the second month of trying for baby #3 challenging. I know most women try for many months, even years (!) before conceiving, and I dread the thought of seeming insensitive to them, but I can't deny that my heart hurt last month. To make matters worse, I had a lot of "symptoms" that made me think I was pregnant (oh how annoying it is that period and pregnancy symptoms are basically THE SAME), so when I got my period I was grieving big time. But God and Brad are both so good and gentle to me, and both lead me to joy and hope soon there after. Brad and I even watched Friends With Kids (crude but really fresh and interesting take on the classic prego-rom-com) that night and I wasn't overly sad even though I was watching people get pregnant. Good sign.

Which brings me to this month. The pill has now been out of my system for the recommended 3 months and it's our third month of trying for our third baby. I've done my best to chill out about expectations, and since this time I really have no phantom pregnancy symptoms, I'm assuming I'm not pregnant. We'll see.

One thing is for sure - I'm not positive the pill is to blame for the added challenge this time around, but I do wish I didn't go back on it between Oli and baby #3. I was so fearful (hello, idols!) of getting pregnant that I assumed I needed to take it, but after talking to a lot of friends who use non-hormonal contraception, I'm wishing I went that route.

Has anyone had a similar experience?

Oli's Birth Story {part 2}

The false alarm trip to the hospital was so disheartening. On the elevator ride home a doctor saw us and pleasantly asked "heading home?" and I bitterly confirmed that we were. "You'll be back soon enough" he said kindly, though it felt like an eternity before we were.

Over a full week later, there were occasional contractions but nothing like the 12 hours of by-the-book contractions that sent me to the hospital earlier. I began to consider that Oli may come on time or late - something I'd never entertained before. That would not be cool. To even stand I felt enormous pressure in baby's neighbourhood and with every step shooting pain came from my lower back to the rest of my torso. My body was so weakened by these back to back pregnancies and I was so useless in the final weeks. I couldn't lift Lily or do much of anything without causing pain - unfortunate for me because I was looking to bring on labour!

I woke up at 3am on a Saturday morning feeling wet. Not drenched, but wet. I wasn't continuously dripping fluid nor did I have contractions - two things that follow your water breaking, 99% of the time. Physically I was such a wreck that it wasn't a stretch to think that I'd peed the bed, though obviously embarrassing! I woke up Brad, told him I *thought* I'd wet the bed (and apologized haha!), but also added that my water could have broken. He shot out of bed at the second notion, not the first. We googled it from my ipod and sure enough we read that unless I had continual liquid or contractions, it was unlikely that my water had broken. Back to bed I went, after grabbing a towel to cover the "pee". Sidenote: I know this whole story is ultra glamourous, try not to envy me or my husband ;)

The next morning we woke up to zero signs of labour, so it was business as usual. I was feeling great, but couldn't shake the night before. I washed our sheets and examined them real good. The wet stain spot was a decent size. Not yellow. Not smelling of urine. But very wet. Hmmmm.

Then I remembered my dear friend Jess who said when her water broke nothing happened and she had to be induced after 12 hours because of the dangers of a baby being inside of you with no water. I did the math. If my water broke, it was 13 hours ago. I better text her and get some details. Sure enough, she gave me the confidence I needed to head to the hospital to get checked out. But the real motivation was that my doctor whom I adore was working that day. Lily wasn't delivered by the OBGYN who had followed me through my pregnancy with her and I would love if Oli were.

So there I was - not feeling in labour at all. No real signs aside from a mysterious 3am wake up call. But knowing my husband was off that day and home with our daughter, and that my doctor would be waiting for me, I headed back to the hospital to see what was up...

no fever over here!

Guess who hosted a baby shower last week,

held a precious 6lb baby boy,

and didn't get baby fever in the least?

Moi.

It was a beautiful moment, holding little Zachary, the 4th child of my dear friend Loni, but it was also really cool and affirming when I didn't feel any desire to have another one.

Can't wait to adopt, and am so excited to adopt a toddler or child :)

answered prayer...

Just wanted to thank those of you who prayed for my friend Jamie.

After 9 days of waiting post-due-date, she gave birth this morning to a baby girl!

Audrey Emma Lucas, Lily and LG can't wait to welcome you :)

9 weeks to go?

There's no way I still have that long!

This pregnancy seems to be hitting me much harder in the final months than Lily's did, and I really feel it now. 

The full-on waddle, the feet that have grown a fill shoe size (not looking forward to sandal weather ending in a few weeks!), the Braxton Hicks contractions and wild baby movements (he's too big now for kicks, it's more so body rolls now which are quite the sight!), the extreme fatigue and shortness of breath since LG is resting happily on my ribs which house my lungs).... you get the picture.

I feel PREGNANT.

Lily was 8 days early, even though everyone-and-their-brother told me "first baby's never come early", and I remember thinking similar thoughts with her... That towards the end my body was feeling as it is now and I couldn't fathom her coming on time or late. Well she wasn't - she was over a week early as my body was warning me the whole time. LG seems to already be doing the same, but he has a while to go still (I hope).

I'm not opposed to going early - I loved shaving 8 days off the waiting time for Lily. I was so ready to meet her and she was 7lbs 12 ounces, so she was fine to come out when she did, but I know LG would not be fine if he came too too early. Like 9 weeks early. Yeah, that would be bad.  Buddy's only about 3.5lbs right now.

Anytime after Missy's wedding (October 3rd I'll be back in Montreal) would be fine with me though! I have my 32-weeks ultrasound on September 15th and we'll see what they say then. My prediction is that they'll say LG is measuring a tad on the big side and that he may come early... because there's no way in 9 weeks I'll still be carrying around this man!

***

In related news, my dear sweet friend Jamie is STILL waiting on her babe to make it's arrival (she was due Aug 28th). I can't imagine waiting 8 days PAST my due date (where she was as of today) as lily was that much early. She's such a trooper though. Would you mind praying that her baby comes tonight? Or tomorrow? Or basically SOON? She is going to be a great mom and is more than ready to meet him/her!

3rd

I'm here. In the third trimester. The final stretch. 3 months / 12 weeks to go until "due date" time, and only 2.5 months / 9 weeks until the "due date window". 

It's hard to believe that after such a whirlwind of having Lily, getting pregnant when she was not yet 5 months old, and being pregnant with LG that we're here. In this final season of pregnancy. My first thoughts: THANK GOODNESS. 

Some women thrive in pregnancy. My mother-in-law said she loved being pregnant. Her hair was nice and thick, she had boundless energy, and she never vomited once. My mom did have some of the negative experiences I've had - extreme fatigue, nausea (though no vomiting) - but she says the same. She loved it. I, on the other hand, do not. It's hard, y'all. And I'm really happy it's nearly over. Is that insensitive to say? I don't want to seem insensitive to those who would love to be pregnant, and would give anything to be in my too-tight shoes... I'm just trying to be honest about my experience. Grateful that I am pregnant, but eager to be done. Fair?

The third trimester always flies by too, which is nice. Jamie, my bursting-BFF is due in a couple of weeks and she doesn't know where the time went. After that 20 week ultrasound, it really starts to fly. And the changes you experience are more noticeable every week, which is fun (because you see progress) and challenging (because they're often unpredictable and sudden). 

Some of these sudden changes that seem to steal the show in your third trimester would be:

• Leg cramps. Who invented those!? hate hate hate! On a given night, I wake up at least twice, with one or both of my lower legs (knee, down) completely seized in muscle tension. I have to urgently move my foot around and massage like crazy to get them to relax and the pain to dissipate. Not fun.
• Bonkers-Frequent Urination. I know, "pregnant women always have to go", as they say, but it gets just silly towards the end. Last night I was up SIX TIMES to pee. And once with a leg cramp, if you're curious. Grrr.
• Wild Baby Movements. At the beginning you would give anything to feel baby move around, to assure he's alright, and it is still comforting when you feel that....it's just also awkward and very painful.  LG was moving so much last night I was just watching my stomach roll around for a good 30 minutes, at 2am, because there's no way you can sleep through those kicks and squirms. It's fun to imagine what on earth he's doing in there, or what made him so energized at that moment (always when Mom's trying to sleep it seems!). When I was pregnant with Lily I would always just feel one foot kicking my side. When she was born and we were in the hospital we saw her sleeping with one leg curled up and the other pushed straight out. And it occurred to us that THAT'S WHAT SHE WAS DOING, but INSIDE of me. So wild.

I've also had a lot more lower back pain with LG than I did with Lily (formally known as MM), but the last week hasn't been as bad so I'm hoping it was a shortish season. Here's hoping :)

This part of my pregnancy will also go fast because I'm very very very busy in the coming months and weeks. Brad and I are hoping to buy a condo/apartment in the next couple of weeks, my sister's wedding is in 10 days (on August 20th - Lily's birthday), I'm hosting a wedding shower on August 22nd in Oakville, ideally we'd move into said condo/apartment in late September, and I'm the maid of honour at a wedding on October 2nd. So lots to keep me busy and my mind on other things, which is REALLY nice. 

 No time to worry or stress about baby and no time to loose sleep from excitement about his arrival (though I'm sure I still will, especially closer to his due date).

So the countdown is on! 88 days to go (or 78 if he's like his sister!) and I'm done with pregnancy and a mom of 2. Thank you Lord, on both and all accounts :)

Grandma names: LOVE

Two friends of ours have recently had baby girls. Both in Quebec (thus needing a bi-lingual name), too. I just love the names I've seen coming up!!

Our first friends from church to have a baby girl, other than us, named her Audrey Erna. Ahhh, I'm such a sucker for old lady names, though Audrey isn't exclusivly known as being from our grandparents (though it's definitely got some history), Erna is just classic. Pure heritage name, and I LOVE IT! If only I could get Brad on board such such things...

Then we just heard the news that our friends Chuck and Sarah had a baby girl and named her Lucie Jane. Melt.My.Heart. LUCIE!?!?!? J'adore. Both classic, historical, even heritage type names. I can picture a grandma with either name, yet also a baby... Maybe because these type of names are more in these days? Either way, two beautiful choices that I just love.

Now if only I could get Brad on board for my classic, heritage name of choice: Beatrice! He says it's not happening any time soon :(

heart-stopping

Grey's Anatomy last night blew my mind. Not talking about how the usually-drama-packed series turned musical (that was just plain awesome). No, I'm talking about the baby that was delivered at 23 weeks because her mom was in a serious car accident, making delivery imperative. 

Seeing a 1lb baby delivered to LIVE stopped my heart. I have friends who work in the NICU (neo-natal ICU) of children's hospitals too, and they have confirmed, that it's indeed possible. At 23 weeks, a baby can be delivered, and live.

It just struck me how resilient little babies really are. How beautiful they are, even when they're only a pound. When you're pregnant with a baby, and are 23 weeks along, you feel so far from being a mom. My sweet friend Jamie is 19 weeks as I write this, and is barely showing, but in a few weeks, if she had to deliver that baby (with medical help, to be sure!) it could live. I'm just amazed by that. Astounded. 

It also breaks my heart, and my being to the core, that a baby's life can be terminated up until 37 weeks (full-term), in the womb, in Canada. 

Thoughts swirling around in my head: 

Babies are resilient. 

Life is so valuable, but can be taken swiftly and easily.

Pregnancy is an awe-inspiring thing.

I'm already a mom of two. 

Even if it doesn't feel like it, I have children.

all I wanna do...

moms of babies don't get sick days. 

moms of babies don't get snooze buttons.

moms of babies don't sleep in.

moms of babies that are having other babies are very sleepy.

I'm going through a season. A season has an end (it's not a lifetime), but it is usually a good chunk of time. My season is having babies. Babies are work and definitely make their mamas tired. But pregnancy... that's a whole other thing. When I was pregnant with Lily I slept a LOT. I would race home from work and be in bed by 8pm. Sleep 12 hours. Then on weekends it was more like 14. That was beautiful. I didn't see it at the time, but it was a luxury that will get less and less likely with every passing baby. But you know, I'm doing better on this amount of sleep than I would have been last time I was pregnant. Guess my body is learning how to do with less when it needs it the most. 

Ladies in your first pregnancy.... SLEEP to your heart's content!

Moms of more than 1 baby and 1 in the womb... you probably never sleep and think I'm getting tons. 

You're my heroes.

a baby is being born AS WE SPEAK

{not mine!}

But ahhhh it's so exciting.

Our dear friends Martin and Amy from our church here in Montreal are having a c-section literally as I type this post! It has been such a fun journey with them this past year.

In September Amy and I met for the first time and bonded pretty quickly and one of the things we both discussed over coffee was when we were going to start trying. It became something we talked about a lot even though we weren't ready to start trying officially... Then without consulting each other (not like we needed to!!) we both started trying, and BOTH got pregnant within days of each other!

They were exactly 10 days ahead of Brad and I and we all went through the same stages together - constant puking, misery, extreme fatigue, excitement, stroller shopping, starting to "show", cloth diaper buying, nursery decorating...

Since they're having a Cesarean their "due date" was pushed a bit forward, so now our kids will be two weeks apart instead of one, but it's so fun to think that they'll grow up together and we'll have friends who are experiencing the same things we are as the years go on. It's SUCH a blessing when you move to a new city to find a friend who you can relate to in such specific ways and to have things like kids and pregnancies knit you together even more.

Praying for them right now and so excited to meet their boy,
Adrian William

ps - something about friends who conceived at the same time as you really makes you realize you're too having a BABY soon. Obvious? Maybe. Wild and thrilling? YES.

32 weeks!

WOW!
I can't believe time is flying so fast now!
MM is 32 weeks along, and the clock is ticking! Especially because at 36 weeks a baby is technically considered "full-term", not 40 weeks which is when the due date is set at... so MM could arrive healthy in a MONTH. that's just a handful of WEEKS.
Did I already say "WOW"?

Here's me @ 32 weeks pregnant, the pics aren't great since the background is so colourful, but you get the idea, I'm growing! Hard to believe MM still has room to grow. My tummy is itchy non-stop since the skin is just soooooo stretched beyond what I ever thought possible, though no stretch marks yet (fingers crossed, I have friends who didn't have any until like the week before their baby was born! Oh well, well-earned battle scares if they come :)

Other than the itchy tummy, symptoms are at an all time low!
I'm not napping daily anymore, and have a lot more energy, though I am going to bed a lot earlier... plus I'm getting so much done on the baby-prep front.

Life's good in prego-land, 56 days to go!

HEY MOMS!

I need your help!

Comment about what you'd suggest me adding to my baby registry.

I've already got the big things down pat - stroller, car seat, a bumbo, and a babybjorn, I need tips on other things though, like Lydia's tip on the Miracle Blanket, or Vanessa's on Sophie the Giraffe.

And ongoing advice about breastpumps because I am clueless!

mind.games

ok so lately my brain has been thinking on overtime and it may be affecting me and MM more that I had bargained...

Take the fact that our friends just announced they're expecting twins + my non stop baby movement + my friend who found out she had twins at the 20 week ultrasound and no sooner b/c the doc's couldn't tell since the baby beats were SO close together they were identical = I convince myself I'm pregnant with twins and can't sleep for literally the.whole.night.

Then take my friend finding out her bun in the oven is a boy + us finding out in 6 days whether ours is a boy or girl = me thinking excitedly about the prospects of either a boy or a girl and yes, not sleeping for the.whole.night.

Did I mention how TIRED I am?
I just lie awake from 2am (when I woke up from my dream of having twins and just thinking about the whole gender thing in general) until NOW (2pm) thinking.
Not sleeping. Thinking.

Then I read this morning that when Mom is stressed or anxious or excited, baby is too.
Maybe THAT explains MM kicking me for literally 12 hours with no stopping.
Unless MM is MMs...
or maybe just 1 super baby who doesn't need sleep... apparently just like it's mama.

ps - if it's true and for some crazy miracle I'm having twins, the whole Natural Birth thing is going OUT THE WINDOW. Just clarifying that right now. Just something I thought up around 5am this morning :)

priority #2310629763

So my 2nd appointment with Dr. Hall was last Thursday. Still not understanding what Loni raved about... Shes pleasant enough, but really you can tell she wants to see me for no more than 5 minutes and basically doesn't care a whole lot about ME or MM whatsoever.

This is a typical appointment (Suzanne, Vanessa, tell me if this is normal, though probably not already in the fact that ya'll have midwives):

1. I go in, get weighed by the secretary (I've gained a full 5 pounds now since the advent of MM, woot!)

2. Secretary takes my blood pressure, and I go back to the waiting room (their magazine selection though is top notch... contemplating a subscription to Canadian House and Home or Canada's Style at Home)

3. I finally see Dr. Hall, she asks how I'm feeling

4. I get on the bed thingie, she check's MM's heartbeat (for all of 1 minute)

5. She measures my belly, mentions "your belly has grown"

6. She says "unless you have any questions, that's it" wherein I ask many questions and get extremely short and non-descriptive answers. (i.e. Q: is the heart beat good? A: yup. Q: what's normal for a baby's heartbeat? A: yours is normal)

7. I leave in all of 5 minutes. Nor necessarily having tons of questions unanswered, just feeling that shes giving me her bare minimum, she doesn't care much for the baby or me, and I'm #2310629763 on her priority list.

I think she operates on the "no news is good news" and "simple is better" policies. I just don't. ESPECIALLY when it's my first baby and I don't know what I'm doing. Remembering Suzanne's experiences hearing her baby's heartbeat, I'm jealous. Sooz knew the bmp of Baby Roz, she has INFORMATION to share on her blog and with her family about the baby's progress. FROM HER DOCTOR. My info comes from helpful pregnancy websites. Sheesh.

So yeah. I'm not impressed with Dr. Hall at all. She is nice, professional, if not cold, and rushes you out of her office the second you get in. And if I wanted a midwife (which I DID, trust me!) I couldn't give birth in a hospital - law in QC. I could give birth in a birthing centre for midwives only... but not a doctor or nurse in sight, and that's not my bag. But I hate how it's such polar opposites here. Why can't I give birth in a hospital WITH a midwife? Oh the glories I left behind in Ontario...

mm @ 12 weeks

Now we're getting somewhere! Although this can be kind of deceiving. We have two limes in our fruit bowl, both with bright futures in guacamole and Brazilian beer (for baby daddy not mommy, don't fret!), and they are two completely different sizes. One is almost half the size of the other, though both are smaller than a lemon. I like to imagine that the lime I see up there beside that american quarter is the big lime. It looks pretty big. Plus it's just so much more exciting thinking about the big lime being my baby, because it's so substantial! Like wow, it will eventually result in a baby in my arms substantial. *shivers*.

12 weeks is a cause for celebration for us. We have had dear friends experience miscarriages right around the time we began trying, and it's been a fear I've had to fight almost daily since finding out we were pregnant. Knowing full well that we have other friends who experienced complications after the 12-week mark, and that the 1st trimester ending is by no means a sign of the pregnancy being perfect, it was still a milestone.

I know I'll have to continue fighting the fear that something will go wrong (because hey, I can't do anything but stay healthy myself and take those horse-tranquilizer-sized-prenatal vitamins) and trust God that he's in control. But it sure feels good to have a lime-sized baby inside and that the world now knows it :)

baby boom

Wow... busy days have lead to busy days and it's been forever since I've had time to be online for longer than 30 seconds.

Updates are:
2 new friends are pregnant (wooo!)

I'm so overwhelmed by the baby boom thats hitting my church and my work (by next year at this time there will be 7 new babies at the Winter Conference in Toronto!). It seems like everyone is picking this as the time to start trying or are lucky enough to have conceived.

It makes me long to be able to post "YAY I'M PREGNANT!" and it also makes me nervous knowing how possible miscarriages are. For some reason this is plaguing me the more I hear of friends being pregs (normally because it's during their 1st or 2nd month).

For now, the baby boom is an exhausting, emotional reality. I think I'll be in it for a while so I'll be posting my thoughts as they come :)

on worry.

a friend of mine (and not Ryan and Ashley, yes it's true, women are becoming pregnant left right and center in my life right now!) just announced that they're pregnant and the first additional piece of information was that she's worried. They're about 6 weeks along I think, and are worried since they're not "out of the woods" in relation to the higher chance of miscarriage in the first trimester. I can imagine her worry and relate to it which is the point of this post.

Worry. Is it a woman thing? A human thing? A beatable thing?

I'm not pregnant but I have heard of so many couples recently who are. For some unknown reason it makes me worried we won't become pregnant, even when there's no evidence to support that (heck, we are officially "trying" for the first time as we speak!). My friend is pregnant but is worried of a miscarriage. Even when one obstacle is overcome (conception) another looms.

In addition I have another friend who has experienced the tragic death of a child and has just reached the due date for her second child. I can only imagine the worry that was present for all 9 months even when you're "out of the woods". But will her worry disappear when her baby is born healthy? Will our worries ever disappear?

Other friends are moms and they worry all the time. At a young age it's about health, development. As they age it becomes about school, friends, hopes and dreams. Can a mom ever not worry? Can a woman ever not worry? I want to say yes. I want the verses I found today in God's Word to be my yes while I'm worried about conceiving, carrying, and caring for child. But I don't know if it's a decision to make today forever, I think it's a daily choice to trust God with what you can't control and know that what He has for me if best, because it's His, not because it's my perfect plan.

Proverbs 12:25
Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down,but a good word makes him glad

Matthew 6:25-30

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

congratulations are in order

Our friends who also work for Campus for Christ, Ryan and Ashley just send out the 1st trimester "We're Pregnant"! e-mail. They're 3 months along now, so technically in the safety zone to tell people, and we're so happy for them! Also exciting to know if we become pregnant soon our kids will have other friends their age at the many conferences and trainings and events we have with work each year that require distance travel and I can only assume are difficult with kiddos :)