transracial families put up with a lot...

One day, we still hope to adopt, though it's currently on hold as we try for #3. Which means articles and blogs and posts and videos and stories and books on adoption and orphans are still very much interesting to me. At the forefront of my mind and heart, still. And I still think about how we'll probably be a transracial family some day if we adopt via foster care, because the stats just work that way. And I still get excited about what God will do in our family and what it will look like.

This video on Rage Against The Minivan made me laugh today, but also reflect on how frustratingly difficult it must be to hear these comments A L L  T H E   T I M E.

from a former foster kid...

A reader of my blogs contacted me recently, suggesting this blog. I'm so glad she did.
It's written by a former foster kid, and it is among the most insightful and helpful things a future-adoptive-parent can read. Especially if you're like me and want to adopt FROM foster care/ banque mixte.

Don't get me wrong. It is not encouraging. But it's real and eye-opening and has reminded Brad and I why we are so passionate about adopting a child from foster care.

For many reasons, but here's one biggie: Foster kids are only kids until they're 18. Then they're phased out (read: kicked out). Often to the streets, with no family or adults to care for them.

Read this post to get a better idea. Be prepared for adult content in this blog.

but it's MY baby.

Is it?

There are SO many ethics to consider with adoption. One major one found in a lot of newborn adoptions, is when the birth mother wants the child back. THEIR child. That they carried and birthed. That has their DNA. That has their dad's nose and mom's eye colour.

The form of adoption we will be pursuing is through the foster care system (banque mixte, in Quebec). This won't be an issue, because the majority of children are in foster care because they've been removed and separated from their parents by law. Because the parents aren't fit to be parents. They don't get the option of saying "yeah, I'd like that back please", because those rights have been justly severed.

But what about when you adopt a newborn baby? Fresh from the hospital? Fresh from being delivered by the birth mother? It's harder. The birth mother has the right to change her mind. And as adoptive parents, it's easy to see THAT as wrong. How can she change her mind? The paper work is done! We've decorated and furnished a nursery! It's our baby! But is it? It's a really really swampy ethical dilemma.

I believe the baby belongs to her birth mother until the birth mother has, in right mind (read: not 24 hours after giving birth, under pressure of her boyfriend, etc) severed her rights to the child (giving the green light to adoption) or the law has decided that for her, to protect the child.

I'm grateful that God has put Banque Mixte adoption on our hearts, because it is a scary thought that if we adopted a child who wasn't already removed from their family, that that family could change their minds and want them back. And that would be agony for me as an adoptive mom. But I believe it would be ethical. And right. Painful, but honest.

What do you think?

ps - this post is largely influenced by This Post on White Sugar Brown Sugar

raising kids of another race...

It's definitely occurred to us that when we opt for "no racial preferences" and "no gender preferences" as we're adopting from the foster care system in Quebec, we're practically enlisting to adopt a black male. 

That is 100% perfect and even exciting to me.

{Louie, Sandra Bullock's son was adopted from
the foster care system in the USA}

We have no problem whatsoever with adopting a child from another race, but we'd be naive to say that it won't be a challenge, and that our parenting experience with our black children will be exactly like that with our white children. It will be a challenge and it won't be the same as parenting Lily and Oli. 

Oddly enough, folks would rather not talk about race at all these days, for fear of appearing racist, but in doing so they're ignoring a God-given quality to someone (God decided that there would be black people in this world, and it is good that there are!), and doing a huge disservice to these people. To our potential child(ren). And so, I've been thinking about it. And talking about it. Because it's real and good. 

This post addresses some of the challenges a white mother faces raising her two black sons (alongside her two white daughters), and it was a great resource to me today. I also follow My Brown Baby, a blog she references in the post, and White Sugar Brown Sugar.

Would love any suggestions of resources or blogs about the issue if you know of any!

Here's a excerpt:

There is one aspect of parenting black children that is outside of something I can just learn though trial and error, though – and that’s how to teach my kids how to interact with the world as black men.  The question of how white parents can teach black children “how to be black” is one that is often thrown out by opponents of transracial adoption.  I don’t love this question because it implies that there is one monolithic experience of being black, or one right set of behaviors, attitudes, and experiences that somehow denote a person’s acceptance as a black person. I reject the idea that “being black” is something that my boys need to learn, because they ARE black.  The idea that some would view them as having “lost their black card” by way of having white parents is frustrating to me. 

Banque Mixte Adoption legalities:

taken from this website

Families that agree to have children placed in their homes from the Banque Mixte must realize and be prepared for a lengthy period of time before that child may become judicially legal to be adopted.

Since 1988, statistics have shown that roughly only 4% of the children in the program have been reunited with their biological families. So, chances are very high that these children can be adopted, but the wait can still be stressful for everyone.

In the best interests of children, it's been determined that a placement for children ages 0 to 2 years be made within a year. Children ages two to five years old must have a placement within 18 months and for children ages 6 and older, a placement within two years.

That information is really comforting to us. One difference between International and Provincial adoption is that the birth parents are still around (in some cases). Furthermore, the birth parents in banque mixte adoption are different from a regular adoption in Canada in that regular adoption has the birth parents giving consent to the adoption and banque mixte adoption has the children already separated from their birth parents.

The hard part about regular adoption is that the birth parents have 30 days to change their minds. This is usually the route for those wanting to adopt a baby, and would be very challenging. The hard part about banque mixte adoption is that the birth parents have had their children taken away from them, usually for neglect or abuse. It's very unlikely (4%) that a banque mixte adoption won't "go through" but there are obviously other challenges such as dealing with past neglect or abuse.

adoption in Quebec

We've decided to start the LONG research phase of our dream to one day adopt. Knowing how long the process will be once we officially begin, the goal is to start by the end of 2012. But right now we're mainly researching our hearts out and praying a lot. What does God have for us? What is his will for our family? Will we adopt? One or two kids? What age(s)? Local or International? Regular or Bank Mixte?

This is what we know so far:

In QC, the two local forms are regular and bank mixte. 

Regular is the adoption of a newborn or infant who is born in Quebec. Because abortion is so high here (the highest rate in North America, sadly), there are very few babies available through regular adoption (read: right from the hospital, Juno style). The wait to adopt a healthy Caucasian newborn is 4-8 years. Now, we don't desire to adopt a newborn or have any preference to race, but it's still a long time.

Bank Mixte is the adoption of a child who has been apprehended from an abusive family. This is less appealing to many because the child has "baggage" in the majority of cases. Children in Bank Mixte may have been physically or sexually abused or have health problems.  The wait time is considerably less (a week weeks- 24 months), especially if you're open minded about age, race, and health. The child starts off as your foster child until they are eligible for adoptability (if their birth parents have proven unfit for a period of 6 months or more), and once that occurs in 6 months or less the adoption can be finalized. 96% of Bank Mixte adoptions have come to this point, and only 4% of children don't end up with their adoptive parents, but the risk is still there - you can have a child who is, for all intents and purposes, yours, and they may not remain so.

Both forms of local adoption begin at the local Centre Youth, where you register for one of the adoptive programs (Regular or Mixte). I'm still not sure if you can register for both.

There are also two forms of international adoption - from other countries (there are 12 countries a Quebecer can adopt from), and from other provinces (like Ontario), but I'm not sure we'd go that route.

So now we pray. And pray and pray and pray.

Resources:

http://www.adoptiveparents.ca/pq_main.shtml

http://www.adoption.gouv.qc.ca/site/home.phtml

http://www.educaloi.qc.ca/en/loi/parents/154/