curve ball #4

This pregnancy has been full of curve balls. Unlike any other pregnancy we've had, we've known trial, we've known waiting, we've known uncertainty, we've known fear. Girlfriend wants us on our toes, apparently :)

Recently we experienced our forth curve ball.

first, a re cap, if you're lost :)

Curve ball #1: Not getting pregnancy easily. All of our pregnancies until now happened the first month we tried. This pregnancy took 6 months. Not forever, but it felt like it and we learned a lot in the waiting.

Curve ball #2: They couldn't find the heart beat at my first visit. Some others said this was normal and that it happened to them and they didn't worry at all - awesome. We did. My doctor did too, since my other two babies had super strong heartbeats as early as 10 weeks. Thankfully an internal ultrasound confirmed her beating heart and ours started beating again, too.

Curve ball #3: A mere week after the heartbeat fiasco, I had cramping in my lower abdomen so terrible I couldn't walk. Brad was in the States for an MDiv course and I was with the kids alone. I was in so much pain I was lying on the floor unable to get up. Friends took me to the hospital and I was sure I was miscarrying. I wasn't, and the pain never returned. Strange and terrifying.

Now we're up to date! I'm full term (prego stats will end now that we're so close to the end, if you were wondering!), and in the last couple of weeks, another curve ball.

Curve ball #4: Baby is transverse (horizontal in my womb) and then breech (head up in my womb) past 35 weeks. It's said that after 35 weeks, the baby should be in the head down position, because she runs out of room to move much after that. The vast majority of babies are head down by 35 weeks, and even more by 37 weeks. Generally by 37 weeks (today) if a baby isn't head down, she won't go head down. Doctors can attempt to manipulate the uterus and turn her, deliver the baby breech (which can have complications), or suggest a C-Section (which is also riskier than a vaginal birth and something I was hoping not to have for my final birth).

Little Sister was flopping between full-on breech and transverse constantly over the last two weeks. I could see every kick (in my side) and it was clear by looking at my stomach where she was. That's what happens when the baby is big enough and has not much room - her kicks and rolls become very entertaining and clear.

I had asked several friends to pray Thursday morning at 10:30am for my appointment, where we'd see for sure and then talk about my options. As of Wednesday night she was definitely breech still. I could feel and see that. And by 11:30am, she was head down, in perfect position for vaginal birth.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boom.

God answers prayer, sometimes so clearly it makes my eyes water.

This pregnancy has made us rely on Him constantly and I'm thankful for that. Now I can look ahead to a somewhat familiar experience (child birth) in the coming couple weeks and not have to worry about an all-new surgery with a long recovery (remember, I have no local family and two toddlers!).

Thank you Thank you Thank you, Jesus.

Not Pregnant to-do List

It's now been 5 months of trying to have a baby. Which pales in comparison to how long some wait to become parents, I know. But it's also 4 months longer than we waited for our first two pregnancies, so it's been tough.

In all, I've been less frustrated and sad with each passing month. Maybe some experience the opposite feelings, but for me the first month was devastating because I was convinced I was pregnant. The second month was quite hard too because I was expecting this pregnancy attempt to be brief like my first two pregnancy attempts were. Not so. But as the months have passed I've accepted more and more that we can't control these things, but that God can (and he is Good no matter what), and to trust him.

I think too, because it's taking a while to get pregnant, I'm now assuming we won't be pregnant with each passing month. I'm getting used to not being pregnant, whereas at the beginning I was not familiar with the wait.

One thing that's helping is I'm trying to enjoy not being pregnant for as long as God sees fit to have me this way. What are some things I can't do when pregnant? I should do them now and enjoy them fully! What are some symptoms I suffer when pregnant? I need to appreciate the lack of them in these days that I'm waiting to be pregnant. Have a look at the list I've compiled to help me do just that:

Not Pregnant to-do List:

Enjoy the mornings with Lily and Oli. Soon I’ll trade in smiling toddlers for a toilet bowl full of morning sickness.

Take the kids out and about most days. Soon I’ll trade in adventurous days for couch lounging and guilt that my kid’s haven’t seen the sun in days.

Bake sweets and enjoy eating them. Normally I have an aversion to sweets in my first trimester.

Eat low-sodium while I can. On that note, I often eat my weight in salted French fries when I’m pregnant.

Eat, Drink, and be Merry. Soon food will taste weird or awful and yummy drinks will be on the black list (I’m talking to you, Christmas ales, rich red wines, and good ol’ G&Ts!) and fatigue will override festiveness.

Stay up late and wake up early and live to tell the tale. Extreme fatigue is part of pregnancy that is doubled when I take meds to handle morning sickness, so I’ll try to savour the energy I have now.

Use my friend’s hot tub often. Hot water on the baby bump is ill advised but oh so relaxing.

Go out for all-you-can-eat sushi and take it seriously. As in really push the limits of the word “can”. Soon raw fish will be a no-no.

Guilt-free coffee guzzling. I’ve had coffee aversions in my 1^st trimester for both pregnancies, but after that, I always wish I could down several cups a day to combat the fatigue. I can now, so I must ;)

Back exercises and yoga. Speaking of mussles, my lower back muscles are in terrible shape after the almost- Irish twins. I’ve been told that strengthening my lower back will lessen pregnancy pain there, so I’ve got to find some exercises and get going!

taking a step towards understanding my fertility more

I've decided that taking my temperature daily and closely monitoring physical signs just isn't for me. My friend Heather recently suggested that doing that may lead to more stress, and in fact her friend's doctor encouraged her to STOP charting her temperatures because it was causing more stress (and we all know stress makes conceiving less likely). I was already leaning towards that, and had never began the process. To me, it's too much to look into, every.single.day. So other than taking note of my monthly cycle, I wasn't doing anything.

This month Brad and I want to have more fun together and this baby madness is making things stressful, so we've opted to stop talking about pregnancy and conceiving. WHAT A GOOD IDEA. As much as I want to be pregnant, like, yesterday, and want to have my children close in age, it's not happening right now and that's out of my control.

One thing we've talked about doing though is taking ovulation tests so we know FOR CERTAIN when I am ovulating. In the past, every day I've had one symptom or another and assumed I'm ovulating. Or if we don't have a chance to "try" for a baby that day, I worry that I was ovulating that very day and we missed out and can't try again for another month. It's all too much. One of my friends who took a bit longer to conceive her second child went this route and had good things to say about it. She recommended this test kit, and I think it's worth the $30. It would simplify trying and take out the guess work that is making me crazy. It would take the pressure off and help me know my cycle better. Sounds like a plan! I'll buy it next month, when/if I begin my cycle again.

Have you ever used ovulation/fertility predictors?

not yet, God says.

Those words, uttered by my husband, were so comforting to me yesterday. Another month of trying (this was technically number three), another period. Not pregnant.

I took the discovery much better than I did in New York. Maybe because I was convinced I was pregnant in NY, so the news almost felt like a miscarriage (though I am certain I can't say that accurately and don't want to be insensitive to those who have suffered through miscarriages - all I can say is I felt as though I lost a baby, not hope of a baby, because I was so sure I was pregnant).

This time, however, I didn't really feel pregnant and refused to look into the "common symptoms" I was feeling. And New York taught me to guard my heart more, and not get hopes up early. In all, I was more trusting of God with His plan for our family when I discovered I was surely not pregnant this month. And I'm much happier in his presence this way, even though my hopes and his plans didn't cross paths this time.

Also, this month got me thinking about if I WERE pregnant. I've never been so public with trying on this blog. You all knew we were thinking about trying, but not the details, with Lily. And nothing with Oli until I was indeed, pregnant.  So this time around, the day after I'm supposed to get my period, you'll be like "SO!?" and if I don't blog right away our secret will be out before we even tell our families (if you assume silence means pregnant.)

Anyhow, to clear that potential problem up, from here on out, I'm not going to blog about specific dates (i.e. I'm Ovulating! or My Period Is Due Tomorrow!). And When we get the news either way, I probably won't blog about that right away either, so please wait on me to tell you instead of asking :)

Here's to month #4 of trying! Hoping it's THE month, but loving what God is doing in my heart as I wait.

six days to go... (written on September 24th)

Any mom will tell you waiting to find out if you're pregnant is one of the hardest things. Whether you are desperate to conceive or not planning on a pregnancy, when you think you might be pregnant, it's killer not knowing. And that's where I sit right now. Six days before my period is expected. Falling in the former category - as in wanting this baby like a mad woman.

I still shake my head in disbelief about our serious desire for a third baby. This was so not in the plan and SO the desire of our hearts. Which is making these six days brutal.

It's also hard not to read into  E V E R Y T H I N G.

My parents came to NYC for the weekend and we were sightseeing nonstop. Their first day we walked all the way to Time Square and back to the Upper West Side (4 hours), which would make anyone tired, but of course I couldn't help but think "is this pregnancy fatigue!?". Similarly, I'm *thinking* I'm noticing other symptoms but am very  aware of my desire to be pregnant which may effect my discernment. 

I cried at the 9/11 memorial. Didn't think I would. pregnancy emotions!?

My lower abdominal seems slightly fuller in the last couple days. Third pregnancy in 2 years could easily result in this! Or I ate a whole lot while my parents were cooking for me + footing the bill for take out. 

I've been going to bed at 9:30 or 10pm, usually I go to bed after 11pm. pregnancy exhaustion!? Or cooler nights and shorter days.

My bra is feeling tighter and perhaps I'm fuller up top. Pregnancy breast tenderness!? Or premenstrual breast tenderness. 

I hope hope hope that all of these signs are related to another baby joining our family, in a way we never thought one would. But unfortunately I know the drill. Almost all pregnancy symptoms are premenstrual symptoms. And so we wait.

on not being pregnant and the pill

I should have known not to get my hopes up when I thought I was pregnant in New York. It was only our second month of trying (and our first month was when I stopped taking the pill mid-cycle when Baby Fever hit), but it was still so hard.

See, with Lily, we went off the pill for three months before trying (and used other methods to not get pregnant) as we'd been encouraged to do that so the pill wouldn't still be in my system when we were trying. Partly because there was concern it could be bad for the baby if we did conceive asap and partly because it wouldn't reflect authentic "trying" since it could make it harder to conceive. Not sure how legit all of these concerns were, but we took the advice, and then conceived the 1st month we were trying (after the 3 months using other methods).

Between Lily and Oli I never went back on the pill. Probably obvious since I was pregnant with him when she was 4 months old. It's hard to know exactly how long it took to conceive him because my period postpartum was really light and I wasn't actually even sure I'd had a period yet (could have just been spotting, I figured). My best guess is that it took 1-2 months to conceive him.

In both cases, it was basically immediate, making the second month of trying for baby #3 challenging. I know most women try for many months, even years (!) before conceiving, and I dread the thought of seeming insensitive to them, but I can't deny that my heart hurt last month. To make matters worse, I had a lot of "symptoms" that made me think I was pregnant (oh how annoying it is that period and pregnancy symptoms are basically THE SAME), so when I got my period I was grieving big time. But God and Brad are both so good and gentle to me, and both lead me to joy and hope soon there after. Brad and I even watched Friends With Kids (crude but really fresh and interesting take on the classic prego-rom-com) that night and I wasn't overly sad even though I was watching people get pregnant. Good sign.

Which brings me to this month. The pill has now been out of my system for the recommended 3 months and it's our third month of trying for our third baby. I've done my best to chill out about expectations, and since this time I really have no phantom pregnancy symptoms, I'm assuming I'm not pregnant. We'll see.

One thing is for sure - I'm not positive the pill is to blame for the added challenge this time around, but I do wish I didn't go back on it between Oli and baby #3. I was so fearful (hello, idols!) of getting pregnant that I assumed I needed to take it, but after talking to a lot of friends who use non-hormonal contraception, I'm wishing I went that route.

Has anyone had a similar experience?

Written on September 20th - waiting + shopping

My week of fertility (so we think) has come and gone, and now all we can do is wait. Wait and shop, that is.

I'm not sure it's the wisest thing in the world - buying maternity clothes before conceiving - but I did it tonight. Both Gap and Old Navy have a fabulous maternity selection and both were having enormous sales. Both had discounts on their sale items (Old Navy - 15%, Gap - 25%), so clothes that were already grossly marked down were an additional discount. We're talking stylish maternity tops for $6, people. I had to.

In the back of mine and Brad's minds is the nagging thought that we may not conceive as easily the third time around. We weren't trying last month, but we weren't using protection, and we didn't get pregnant. With Lily and Oli, the second we were off the pill it seemed we were with child. But not this time. Which is not at all worrisome and I know it takes a few months minimum for most, but I'm a worrier. I worry. It's not good and I'm working on it. But in the back of my mind is that fear that I won't conceive quickly. And I just spent $80 on maternity clothes.

But hear me out. Both of my pregnancies (after 1 month of trying) had me in my third trimester in the heat of summer. I got by for the majority of winter and spring with the Bella band. Towards the very end of the cold weather I wore maternity jeans, and a couple tops, but mostly because they were novel and a tad more comfortable. This time, if I get pregnant this or next month (fingers crossed) I'll be my biggest in the spring, but definitely showing in the winter too. And I have no maternity clothes for cold weather. This sale was hard to pass up and I have birthday money to consider. So I went ahead and bought winter maternity clothes (most that can transition into other seasons and when I'm not preggers too) before being pregnant. I'm that girl.

I'm waiting to get pregnant. My heart is set on it. My wardrobe is ready (in 7-10 business days, thank you free shipping). But I'm not pregnant. Not yet.

written on September 13th... Officially Trying!

So guess what? We are trying to have a third baby.
WHAT!? I know. I never thought I'd type that either.

And as I write this, none of you know, because I'm less comfortable this time around, being so public with our intentions. ***things are now out in the open as of October 16th***

Part of me loves the secret. Not even our families saw it coming. Really, we didn't either. God moved and worked in our hearts in a very tangible way and both of us, nearly overnight, were very sure we were to have a third baby before adopting. I don't want to over-spiritualize it, but this is pretty darn close to God telling me something. Being more than obvious. Closing and opening doors. Moving hearts. Changing minds. Granting desire where there once was none.

You've read a bit about it here already.

What started as tacky baby fever (doing the quintessential act of sorting old baby clothes) began to shape and form our thoughts. Brad had been wavering on the vasectomy already. It would be so final. He wasn't 100% sure he didn't want more. But I thought I was. 

Then after exhaustive research (hard to do when most online documents for domestic adoption in Quebec are in French!), we were fairly certain we couldn't adopt in our current living situation anyway. We already have two kids in a bedroom with no choice but to add the adopted sibling to the mix. There are rules on this. There are also rules on an adopted sibling only sharing a bedroom with same gendered siblings. We just bought a 2 bedroom house and are absolutely unable to move for at least 3-4 years.

Did we want to wait 3-4+ years before starting the adoption process? Did we want to wait 4-5 years to add to our family? Absolutely not. Lily and Oli are so close and that's how we've always wanted it. 5 years before adding a sibling seemed intense and it wouldn't be an ideal for us. This realization came about at the exact same time (mere hours, really) as baby fever + vasectomy doubts. Everything was mounting.

We decided to take a week to seek hard after God on this. I asked a lot of my close girlfriends to pray for us. I spent hours journaling, pouring out my heart to God. What came out? Idols. Long lists of idols. I didn't know half of them had a hold on me, and was shocked that they were all major reasons that I didn't want a 3rd baby before adopting.

Comfort. Body image. Control.

We are passionate about adoption for a lot of right reasons, but I was also excited about adoption for some wrong reasons. It would give me control. I could choose age, I could choose gender (we weren't going to choose gender, but the option was there). I could start the process when I wanted to. It's no secret how much I dislike pregnancy and the early stages of having an infant. Adoption was my ticket out of that, while still giving me a child! Adoption seemed the perfect answer for me to get what I want, while still serving my idols, plus we were already passionate about it. Perfect, right? 

After seeing and confessing those major idols, many seemed to lack the hold they once had on me. I began to consider if I'd be willing to sacrifice my body once again to pregnancy and postpartum for another year. I began to consider if I'd be willing to endure pain, discomfort, challenge, exhaustion, stretch marks, all over again. There was a time not too long ago, that I imagined what I'd do if we accidentally got pregnant with a third baby. It was a horrifying thought. And probably a sign that I was holding much too tightly to something.

God seems to be closing the adoption door for the short term (at least until we move to a 3 bedroom), and at the exact same time, reigniting a desire in both Brad and I to have another baby. Despite everything. I can't explain this in the least, except that God did it.

And now? We are giddy. We can't wait. We are so excited to be trying - and trying starts THIS WEEK.

I believe God spared us from making the mistake of making adoption about us. We still feel called to adopt in the future, but I'm thankful we didn't start the process now - when all of the idols still held a place in my heart. When we adopt, it won't be because it's easier or the perfect solution to my myriade of first world problems.

I never ever ever thought we would have a 3rd baby. I claimed so surely that adoption was the next way (and the final way) we'd add to our family.

I'm beginning to see that God may have better plans.

Better, not because biological birth is better than adoption - heck no! Better because they're HIS plans for us. And not mine. 

talk with no doc.

Talk of us having a third baby is swirling around our home.
Can we adopt in this current house? Likely no.
Do we want to wait until we move in five years
to add to our family? Absolutely no.
And there is a long list of idols in my heart that God needs to work on (and he is!) before I could even imagine having a third...

But lets just hypothetically say I did end up having a third....
It dawned on me today:
MY OBGYN IS ON MATERNITY LEAVE.

Weird eh? As if she gets to have babies too.
That's like teachers taking night school courses or something.
Totally bizarre.

Now I recall that she was visibly pregnant when she delivered Oli. And she was having twins (go, Doctor Hall!), so there's no way she wouldn't take the full year. But that means she likely won't be there if I needed her.

And my friend who is currently pregnant and had my same doctor last year had to find a new doctor. Not the biggest deal for my friend since she has now had different doctors for each of her three pregnancies, and Dr. Hall didn't deliver her baby either.

But I had Dr. Hall for both pregnancies and she delivered Oli.
We tight.

If we did have another, and that's a big if, it would be so hard for me to find a new doc.
I love my doctor. Especially after Oli's birth. I felt like she became part of our family or something.
That's a major point in the con section of my "should we have a 3rd baby" t-chart.
Yes, I said t-chart. How else does one make major life decisions ;)

I thought I was immune...

to baby fever.

My friends felt it when they wanted another one, and after Oli I didn't.
I hosted baby showers, visited newborns, played with sweet smelling 1 month-olds, and celebrated with friends over their recent pregnancies. All.Without.The.Fever.

Not that we didn't want more kids, as you know, we are adopting!
But we were sure of one thing: NO MORE BABIES.

Until last week. We were discussing the V word (vasectomy) and Brad asked an honest question.  
Are you sure you don't want to have just one more?
My response was emphatic. You can read all about it here. But then last night as as were sorting through baby things to lend/give to a pregnant couple we know, it hit me. The fever.

Now, to discern if it's legitimate or not.
Is it just a hormone surge, emotions or nostalgia? Probably.
Is it just because our kids are in the same room now and sleeping through the night together? Maybe.

But while we're on the topic, what are my reasons for not wanting another baby, aside from adoption (because that would happen down the road regardless)?
I need to evaluate them, because last time I checked they weren't so solid.
They were temporary things. Fleeting things. Vain things.

Like how much I dislike pregnancy. (which is only 9 months)
Like how my pre-baby body is finally back. (and this body is not forever!)
Like how I can function as a non-mom some days because I only have 2 and they're pretty manageable. (but I am a mom! is it so horrible if my life reflects that all day, every day?)
Like how exhausting the first 6 months are. (again, it's only 6 months)
Like how awful breastfeeding was with both babies. (who says I have to?)

Plus I never wanted another biological child. And never wanted another baby (biological or adopted).

But if I do (not saying I do, just saying I'm thinking about it today!), would I seriously let 9 hard months followed by 6 exhausting months and body image issues be the defining factor? I hope not.

keeping siblings together

One thing that's quite possible when adopting locally is the surfacing of biological siblings.

In an attempt to keep siblings together, the adoptive parents are contacted when a sibling of their adopted child is discovered. Sometimes they've just been born, and other times they weren't previously known about and now are. Either way, the adoptive family whose child is related to this discovered child is given first priority to adopt the sibling (or half sibling).

It really makes me wonder, would we take on a sibling or half sibling of our adopted child, should the situation ever occur? I don't know how I could say no, though I never saw myself having more than 4 kids and don't know if I have the capacity to do so...

This makes me reevaluate whether or not to hope for siblings in the first place. If we adopt one child instead of a sibling set, the possibility is still there that one day we would adopt a sibling of theirs.

Would you take on a sibling of your adopted child?

What factors would you consider first?

I'd love to hear your thoughts!

"but what about Lily and Oli"

Anytime we talk about adopting a non-infant, people seem genuinely concerned for our kids. Something about adopting a toddler or kid instead of a baby has folks thinking our poor biological kids just won't be able to deal. And part of that is founded. It will be a HUGE adjustment when we some day, adopt. For us, for the child(ren) we adopt, and for Lily and Oli. But I can't help but think the reaction is a bit over-dramatic.

When we brought Olivier home from the hospital it took Lily a good month to stop hitting, scratching, and biting him. Her brother. Our son. Sometimes we caught her before she could hurt him, other times we weren't looking and little Oli would end up with a big scratch (often drawing blood) on his tiny face. Lily was vicious. It was all so new, and as a 14 month old baby herself, she didn't understand anything.

As awful as that month was, I'm glad we went through it. I think it has prepared us a little bit for what may be to come. On the bright side, our kids will be older by the time we adopt. Lily wasn't warned at all for Oli's arrival - or I should say, she didn't understand the hundreds of times we told her she had a brother coming soon. If she's around 3 years old when we adopt, she'll be able to understand much more. Oli will probably be in her shoes when he came home, so it won't be perfect -  we'll still have one biological kid who doesn't have a clue!

My point is this: it's always hard adjusting to a new family member. No matter how they come into your family. Lily had a terrible time adjusting to Oli, but she eventually did. She was so young and couldn't put the pieces together, so she acted out in aggression and tantrums. Oli may do the same when we adopt. But I believe he would also act that way if we had a third baby, biologically. I assume he'd treat said baby the same way Lily treated him - terribly :)

glory days

I've all but forgotten about the elements of pregnancy that are bearable and even fun, and I think it's time I get back there... for the sake of the next 9 (potentially 9+) days.

The 2nd trimester. Ah life. 

With a little bump that's big enough to get you positive attention from strangers in stores (such nice people!) and a free seat on the Metro, but small enough to still wear most of your clothes and look super cute. 

With a baby who you may have just found out the sex of, so all you're doing is thinking about the far-off future and planning, but you're also still fit enough to put plans into action (garage sale shopping, sewing, running around, etc).

With energy and mobility and general good feelings (not all moms feel this great in their 2nd and sometimes when you do, the anxiety about the future robs the joy from these weeks, but for me it was happy times).

It feels like forever ago! Look how tiny I was (and how chubby Lily was haha)!

{me @ 20 weeks}

Too bad those blissful weeks are sandwiched between the 1st and 3rd trimesters, amen?

on birth plans...

We made one the first time around.

Didn't follow it.

Felt horrible and like a failure for not doing so, too.

This time around, our plan is to trust our doctors, see how we're feeling, see how baby's doing, and go with the flow. 

I'm assuming an epidural is in the works, and that a C-section is not (baby's head is down as of this week), but no matter what happens, it's going to be an amazing day, in 15 days of less :)

I'm so excited to give birth again, to meet a new baby again, and to be part of the incredible story of a human's life again, but I'm not holding too tightly to any which way of doing it. Recently I read an article on what a crying shame it is for a woman's birth plan to not be followed through, and honestly, it made me sad. It's only that great a shame if the most important thing that day is the way one gives birth and not the end result. I think those opinions set us up for failure if everything doesn't go exactly to plan. If our bodies, or our pain tolerance, or our babies, or our doctor doesn't agree with THE PLAN, that somehow the experience is ruined.

Nothing will ruin BDAY, so long as the baby born is healthy. I say, write one if it will help you process and prepare for birth, but hold it with an extremely open hand and forgive yourself if when it doesn't go according to plan.

Loved the recent episode of Up All Night, where Regan and Chris have the baby. It made me cry even though it's a comedy (doesn't take much these days!), and laugh because I remember being just like her - holding so tightly to my birthing plan and feeling horrible when things didn't pan out. Thankfully before BDAY was through, Regan (and I) came to terms with the right priorities (healthy baby, healthy mom, no matter what) and weren't as devastated when we saw our plans fly out the window as we were when the first started taking flight.

Watch and enjoy!

36 week ponderings

1. One more week and I'm in the clear
2. I'm really getting tired of bed rest
3. I really wish we had a car so I could leave the house...
4. I can't believe I'm going to have a baby that isn't Lily
5. I'm nervous about my water breaking
6. I'm nervous about not being able to get an epidural or not making it to the hospital (now that I have felt labour pains, there's no way you could PAY ME to attempt natural birth!)
7. The nursery is so not ready (Lily's big girl bed doesn't come til Nov and it's notpainted with the gray stripe as we plan to have it, nor is anything hung on the walls. Good thing he'll be in our room, which IS ready for the first several weeks)

the term "full term"

in 1.5 weeks I'll be "full term"

"full term" is a good thing. for mama and for baby. but God's timing is GOOD too. and his may disagree with the term "full term"...

today I had my one-month-to-go appointment. Literally 1 month to the day before LG is due. I could barely get on the table I was in so much pain and he was so low I felt as if I could feel his head between my legs LITERALLY. Never had that with the Lilster, but this is a whole nother beast. because of the constant discomfort and close proximity between childbirths, my doctor has been *slightly* concerned all along, so she's done more vaginal exams than last time, just to keep an eye on things. and today, she kept her eye on a cervix that's been dilating... 2cm dilated to be exact. 

with Lily I was 2cm dilated for two weeks before she was born, nearly 2 weeks early. with LG, we'll see. but as second babies often come earlier than first babies, and are shorter labours (and L was only 7 hours from water breaking to heart breaking first sight of her), it's not ideal to be 2cm dilated a month before the due date... 

my doc was pretty concerned that I could go into labour this or next week. she (and I) would love to see me carry LG to "full term", but she has asked me to REALLY cut back on activity to strengthen the odds of not going into labour...like...now. meaning, as little lifting Lily as possible and no sex. the rest I've already been doing (staying off my feet, not traveling, etc). so in 1.5 weeks when I'm "full term" I'd love to still be carrying LG on the inside, but again, we'll see.

other than the whole "full term" concerns, we do feel ready to meet this guy! his bassinet is in our room, waiting. his craigslist svan bouncer is in our living room, waiting. my hospital bag is packed, waiting. his hospital bag is packed, waiting. his sister is clueless, but his parents are eager. waiting. ideally (in non medical reasoning), we'd have another week also, because we're not 100% moved into our new place, but emotionally, we're excited, not nervous in the least, and very anticipatory of his arrival. 

Hope to see you soon baby boy, "full term" or not, in God's perfect timing :)

33 week thoughts & FAQ

6 weeks and a coupla days to go - or even sooner (and maybe later)!

Current life situation: living amidst boxes and adjusting to a new sleep schedule (Lily's, but as a result mine). Moving in 6 days.

Current JOYS of being pregnant: ha! I am forcing myself to write something in this category... not easy... let's see... ummmmm I'm excited to meet this boy. the ultrasound was a BIG joy. LG was yawning and blinking a lot so we saw his eyes and mouth well (Lily was asleep during her 32 week US). 

Current BENEFITS to being prego: hubby is doing a LOT of things that I'd usually be doing. He's rising to the occasion big time. also I'm super motivated to get things done since I know when LG is born it'll be much harder... so one benefit is getting my but in gear (Xmas stockings and various sewing projects are completed!)

Current SYMPTOMS: along with the 3rd trimester ones I already mentioned,  just lots and lots and lots of pain/pressure. limping around the house and not really leaving the house because we don't have a car and the doctor insisted that I stay off my feet to the max :(

Oh, and mommy-brain like woah. I can't remember where I put a SINGLE THING. It's horrible. That, and clumsiness. I heard pregnant women were more forgetful and clumsy but didn't experience it too too much with Lily. This time I'm getting injured a ton. Even had a trip to the emergency room from one knife incident, and a second knife incident left me with glue holding together another wound. ouch.

Most Excited About: newborn snuggles. i looked at some pictures of Lily when she was 2 months old today and my heart became mush. just a bag of bones, and always wanting to cuddle. LG may be our last infant child, so I intend to really soak those early months up - even in hectic times.

Most Afraid About: my water breaking in a weird place (like church or on the metro), going into labour and not being able to reach Brad or find a sitter/caretaker for Lily, going into labour anytime before 37 weeks...

FAQ: 

have you chosen his name yet? 

- yes. we had it from when we didn't know if Lily was a boy or a girl, so it was easy peasy.

have you written a birth plan yet?

- no but we aren't planning to. we'll just plan to trust the doctors and get through it as comfortably as possible (so yes I plan to get an epidural for those wondering!!)

are you having friends/family in the delivery room or at the hospital?

- NO. just like last time, we intend it to be a very intimate experience. just Brad and I. it was so perfect for us during Lily's birth and first 2 days that we wouldn't have it any other way. Now, to find someone to take L off our hands...

are you having any family stay with you after the birth?

- again, no. Brad's dad and Debbie live 40 minutes away so they'll probably be the first to see LG, once we're discharged from the hospital, and then after that my family is coming for a weekend in late November followed by Brad's family the 1st weekend in December. That's also when we'll do our "Christmas" with them all because we're staying in Montreal this year for the first time (!!!) as a family of 4. 

We really benefited from not having live-in family help when Lily was born (though I totally understand why some people want their moms or families there 24/7 during the first little bit!). we learned to trust our instincts and learn on the fly right away, which was good for us.

are you breastfeeding?

- yes, Lord-willing!

are you cloth diapering?

- yes! after a few weeks whenever LG's umbilical cord comes off.

are you vaccinating?

- YES.

are you scared/worried/afraid?

- most days. two will be a HUGE adjustment. but we can do it!

are you taking maternity leave?

- oh ya! Thanks to my employer and the province of Quebec, I am taking my 2nd maternity leave and will be on it until Summer 2012.

is Brad taking paternity leave?

- yes! in QC the father gets 5 weeks in addition to the mother's 12 months. he'll take 1 week right away and then the remaining 4 later on during the 12 month period. With Lily he saved his 5 weeks until the middle/end of my maternity leave, and it just so happened I was in my 1st trimester of pregnancy with LG... so it was bliss. I got to sleep in (and puke, undisturbed) and he did the morning feeds :)

***

another nursery...

Not because LG is getting his own... no no no, he's a city baby and everyone knows city babies get crammed in with their other siblings (if not with the laundry machines or mom and dad lol!). No, I'm talking about the kid's nursery in our next home... I still want to use orange and green as the main colours (and white as a major colour/shade), but I'm thinking of a stripe accent wall... 

 they just look so cool!

and some serious orange curtains (currently the nursery has light green but it's so soft and I feel like LG and Lily together will be anything but, so why pretend!?) like these:

I actually already own the orange Amy Butler fabric too, so it won't take long. 

Excited to nest up for LG's arrival!

Future Glimpse?

For my rambles on if LG will be my last biological child and what the future may or may not hold for our family, check {our nest in the city} for a post I wrote today after babysitting 2, alongside Lily and a baby bump

blocks for a boy (and girl!)

One thing I hadn't crossed off my list (see below) for preparing for LG was wooden blocks. I know they're not a necessity but they're something I really wanted to buy for him and haven't been able to fine anywhere.

I learned as Lily has been going through teething for the last 5 months or so, how much she loves to chew on hard object, and her wooden teethers are by far her favourite (Sophie, no offense). So blocks seemed like they could serve multiple purposes... but only to find them!!

Well today I went to the Zoo with a friend I've met here in Louisville and as a going away gift to Lily (aka me), her daughter Charlotte (aka she) gave... wooden blocks! Incredibly thoughtful as she knew I'd mentioned searching for them to no avail, and so very sweet. It was so unexpected and exactly what I wanted and was useful. My kind of gift. My kind of love.

THANK YOU Dana and Charlotte!! We had a wonderful day with you, we'll miss you, and we'll see y'all next summer :)