written on September 13th... Officially Trying!

So guess what? We are trying to have a third baby.
WHAT!? I know. I never thought I'd type that either.

And as I write this, none of you know, because I'm less comfortable this time around, being so public with our intentions. ***things are now out in the open as of October 16th***

Part of me loves the secret. Not even our families saw it coming. Really, we didn't either. God moved and worked in our hearts in a very tangible way and both of us, nearly overnight, were very sure we were to have a third baby before adopting. I don't want to over-spiritualize it, but this is pretty darn close to God telling me something. Being more than obvious. Closing and opening doors. Moving hearts. Changing minds. Granting desire where there once was none.

You've read a bit about it here already.

What started as tacky baby fever (doing the quintessential act of sorting old baby clothes) began to shape and form our thoughts. Brad had been wavering on the vasectomy already. It would be so final. He wasn't 100% sure he didn't want more. But I thought I was. 

Then after exhaustive research (hard to do when most online documents for domestic adoption in Quebec are in French!), we were fairly certain we couldn't adopt in our current living situation anyway. We already have two kids in a bedroom with no choice but to add the adopted sibling to the mix. There are rules on this. There are also rules on an adopted sibling only sharing a bedroom with same gendered siblings. We just bought a 2 bedroom house and are absolutely unable to move for at least 3-4 years.

Did we want to wait 3-4+ years before starting the adoption process? Did we want to wait 4-5 years to add to our family? Absolutely not. Lily and Oli are so close and that's how we've always wanted it. 5 years before adding a sibling seemed intense and it wouldn't be an ideal for us. This realization came about at the exact same time (mere hours, really) as baby fever + vasectomy doubts. Everything was mounting.

We decided to take a week to seek hard after God on this. I asked a lot of my close girlfriends to pray for us. I spent hours journaling, pouring out my heart to God. What came out? Idols. Long lists of idols. I didn't know half of them had a hold on me, and was shocked that they were all major reasons that I didn't want a 3rd baby before adopting.

Comfort. Body image. Control.

We are passionate about adoption for a lot of right reasons, but I was also excited about adoption for some wrong reasons. It would give me control. I could choose age, I could choose gender (we weren't going to choose gender, but the option was there). I could start the process when I wanted to. It's no secret how much I dislike pregnancy and the early stages of having an infant. Adoption was my ticket out of that, while still giving me a child! Adoption seemed the perfect answer for me to get what I want, while still serving my idols, plus we were already passionate about it. Perfect, right? 

After seeing and confessing those major idols, many seemed to lack the hold they once had on me. I began to consider if I'd be willing to sacrifice my body once again to pregnancy and postpartum for another year. I began to consider if I'd be willing to endure pain, discomfort, challenge, exhaustion, stretch marks, all over again. There was a time not too long ago, that I imagined what I'd do if we accidentally got pregnant with a third baby. It was a horrifying thought. And probably a sign that I was holding much too tightly to something.

God seems to be closing the adoption door for the short term (at least until we move to a 3 bedroom), and at the exact same time, reigniting a desire in both Brad and I to have another baby. Despite everything. I can't explain this in the least, except that God did it.

And now? We are giddy. We can't wait. We are so excited to be trying - and trying starts THIS WEEK.

I believe God spared us from making the mistake of making adoption about us. We still feel called to adopt in the future, but I'm thankful we didn't start the process now - when all of the idols still held a place in my heart. When we adopt, it won't be because it's easier or the perfect solution to my myriade of first world problems.

I never ever ever thought we would have a 3rd baby. I claimed so surely that adoption was the next way (and the final way) we'd add to our family.

I'm beginning to see that God may have better plans.

Better, not because biological birth is better than adoption - heck no! Better because they're HIS plans for us. And not mine.