on why we're not choosing the gender...

As long as I can remember, I've wanted to be the mother of girls.
I was from a family of all girls and I'm a girls girl to the core. 
My husband, on the other hand is the exact opposite. 
The eldest of three boys, no sisters. Guys guy, wanted boys. 
So weren't we a happy pair of expectant parents? 
Conflicted, yes. But thankful that God would ultimately decide and his decision would be good.

So I wanted a girl, but throughout my whole pregnancy people said I looked like I was carrying a boy. Like, all people. I was never told, even once, that I looked like I was carrying a girl. 
And you know what? The idea grew on me a heck of a lot. 
I started hanging around my friends then 4 year-old son and getting attached. 
The mama who always wanted a daughter was starting to REALLY want a son. 
I was certain, like everyone else that my first would be a boy, and my heart caught up to the idea and I even wanted my first to be a boy.

Then at my 20 week ultrasound,
we heard the three beautiful words: 
it's a girl!

It took my heart and head a second to register that my first would not be Oli (the name we'd chosen if it were a boy) but Lily instead! Immediately the ideas and excitement about a son disappeared and I was thrilled to be on the pink team. 

I thought I knew what I was having and what I wanted, and I was wrong.

Fast forward to my second pregnancy. Our first few months with Lily had been glorious. We absolutely LOVED having a daughter. Both Brad and I were secretly hoping our second would also be a girl. Since we're frugal, it meant we'd have everything already! And since our experience with Lily had been bliss, it meant more of the same (a pregnant mom can hope, right?)! 
I was convinced that I was having another daughter. 
I pictured Lily with a sister, I pictured them being best friends like me and my sister Lisa were (and are!). 

Then at my 20 week ultrasound,
we heard the three beautiful words:
it's a boy!

I was in shock. Slightly disappointed, I'm embarrassed to admit. 
But then a few minuted later (and much more as the days and weeks passed), my heart rejoiced. A son. A boy. The Lord has entrusted me with another child and now we have our Oli! 

I thought I knew what I was having and what I wanted, and I was wrong.

Now I have two lovely children, both of whom I thought I wanted to be the opposite gender they are, and both of whom I'm thrilled are exactly who they are. 

And we're adopting...
With the dangerous (for us) ability to pick the gender of our next children.

If I had of chosen for Lily I would have chosen BOY
If I had of chosen for Oli I would have chosen GIRL
I'm so glad I didn't get to pick, and that God's will was done so beautifully in our family.

So with the option to choose the gender for the child(ren)we're adopting, I just don't trust myself. 
I don't know God's will for us, and I have learned from two experiences that what I wanted was not what he wanted, and what he wanted was best.

I'll be honest, the idea of 1 girl and 3 boys seems slightly overwhelming to me, but if God has two boys who need a Mommy & Daddy (and a brother & sister!) and decides they're for us, we'll happily welcome them. So we'll see. It's not in our hands. We're choosing to have no preference with gender, but to prefer wholly, God's plans for us, that we do not yet see.

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