from a former foster kid...

A reader of my blogs contacted me recently, suggesting this blog. I'm so glad she did.
It's written by a former foster kid, and it is among the most insightful and helpful things a future-adoptive-parent can read. Especially if you're like me and want to adopt FROM foster care/ banque mixte.

Don't get me wrong. It is not encouraging. But it's real and eye-opening and has reminded Brad and I why we are so passionate about adopting a child from foster care.

For many reasons, but here's one biggie: Foster kids are only kids until they're 18. Then they're phased out (read: kicked out). Often to the streets, with no family or adults to care for them.

Read this post to get a better idea. Be prepared for adult content in this blog.

who came to be

This is an amazing video because it talks about EVERYONE involved when a baby is adopted.

The birth mother
The advocates for life
The family friends
The adoptive parents
The baby.

So often it's easy to completely forget the birth mother in all of this. And I love that this adoptive family didn't. They got to know her well and to this day they value her. For the sacrifice she made. For the bold and scary choice she made to carry a child full term that she didn't want and couldn't parent. For the gift she gave them - their daughter, Chapel.

It's amazing to see in living colour, what comes to be (or rather, WHO comes to be) when a woman bravely declines abortion and chooses life for her child. Watch and be moved...

but it's MY baby.

Is it?

There are SO many ethics to consider with adoption. One major one found in a lot of newborn adoptions, is when the birth mother wants the child back. THEIR child. That they carried and birthed. That has their DNA. That has their dad's nose and mom's eye colour.

The form of adoption we will be pursuing is through the foster care system (banque mixte, in Quebec). This won't be an issue, because the majority of children are in foster care because they've been removed and separated from their parents by law. Because the parents aren't fit to be parents. They don't get the option of saying "yeah, I'd like that back please", because those rights have been justly severed.

But what about when you adopt a newborn baby? Fresh from the hospital? Fresh from being delivered by the birth mother? It's harder. The birth mother has the right to change her mind. And as adoptive parents, it's easy to see THAT as wrong. How can she change her mind? The paper work is done! We've decorated and furnished a nursery! It's our baby! But is it? It's a really really swampy ethical dilemma.

I believe the baby belongs to her birth mother until the birth mother has, in right mind (read: not 24 hours after giving birth, under pressure of her boyfriend, etc) severed her rights to the child (giving the green light to adoption) or the law has decided that for her, to protect the child.

I'm grateful that God has put Banque Mixte adoption on our hearts, because it is a scary thought that if we adopted a child who wasn't already removed from their family, that that family could change their minds and want them back. And that would be agony for me as an adoptive mom. But I believe it would be ethical. And right. Painful, but honest.

What do you think?

ps - this post is largely influenced by This Post on White Sugar Brown Sugar