transracial families put up with a lot...

One day, we still hope to adopt, though it's currently on hold as we try for #3. Which means articles and blogs and posts and videos and stories and books on adoption and orphans are still very much interesting to me. At the forefront of my mind and heart, still. And I still think about how we'll probably be a transracial family some day if we adopt via foster care, because the stats just work that way. And I still get excited about what God will do in our family and what it will look like.

This video on Rage Against The Minivan made me laugh today, but also reflect on how frustratingly difficult it must be to hear these comments A L L  T H E   T I M E.

not yet, God says.

Those words, uttered by my husband, were so comforting to me yesterday. Another month of trying (this was technically number three), another period. Not pregnant.

I took the discovery much better than I did in New York. Maybe because I was convinced I was pregnant in NY, so the news almost felt like a miscarriage (though I am certain I can't say that accurately and don't want to be insensitive to those who have suffered through miscarriages - all I can say is I felt as though I lost a baby, not hope of a baby, because I was so sure I was pregnant).

This time, however, I didn't really feel pregnant and refused to look into the "common symptoms" I was feeling. And New York taught me to guard my heart more, and not get hopes up early. In all, I was more trusting of God with His plan for our family when I discovered I was surely not pregnant this month. And I'm much happier in his presence this way, even though my hopes and his plans didn't cross paths this time.

Also, this month got me thinking about if I WERE pregnant. I've never been so public with trying on this blog. You all knew we were thinking about trying, but not the details, with Lily. And nothing with Oli until I was indeed, pregnant.  So this time around, the day after I'm supposed to get my period, you'll be like "SO!?" and if I don't blog right away our secret will be out before we even tell our families (if you assume silence means pregnant.)

Anyhow, to clear that potential problem up, from here on out, I'm not going to blog about specific dates (i.e. I'm Ovulating! or My Period Is Due Tomorrow!). And When we get the news either way, I probably won't blog about that right away either, so please wait on me to tell you instead of asking :)

Here's to month #4 of trying! Hoping it's THE month, but loving what God is doing in my heart as I wait.

20 signs you might be pregnant (PUH-LEASE)

Are you familiar with the 20 most common signs you might be preggers? Allow me.

1. swollen/tender breasts
2. darkening areolas
3. cramping
4. spotting
5. urinary frequency/constipation
6. fatigue
7. nausea
8. smell sensitivity
9. elevated temperature
10. missing period
11. unusual hunger/cravings
12. increase in secretions
13. headaches
14. mood swings
15. feeling faint/dizy
16. metallic taste in your mouth
17. vivid dreams
18. muscle aches
19. sweating 
20. increase of oil in hair and skin

Can we talk about the fact that I have at least eight of these symptoms ALL THE TIME?  I mean, how dare "fatigue" be on any list, really? Isn't that the most general symptom for basically everything? Slash the general reality for most people, let alone all moms? Gosh.

Fun facts:
With Lily's pregnancy, before I even missed my period I had these symptoms:

1. urinary frequency/constipation
2. serious fatigue
3. nausea
4. smell sensitivity
5. feeling faint
6. metallic taste (this one really got me weirded out because it was SO clear. I commented that I felt as if I'd put a handful of change in my mouth.)

With Oli's pregnancy, I had NO SYMPTOMS until two weeks after my missed period. Except maybe fatigue, but I had a 5 month old, so I wasn't reading into that!

Later on in both pregnancies I had the dreaded morning sickness and extreme fatigue (made worse by the anti-nausea medicines). And with Oli's pregnancy alone I had flu-like symptoms around the 2-month mark (aches and pains, fever).

Each pregnancy was so different. Each pregnancy is so different, for everyone.  The symptoms list is kind of a crock because most women walking the earth today have at least a few of them, and I know some lucky ladies who had only a handful when pregnant.

And if you're wondering, I'm not feeling pregnant right now (and am not, to my knowledge). I have the regular handful of symptoms that I often have pre-period (or any time!) and I have fewer symptoms than I did in NYC when I truly thought I was pregnant. So I'm not assuming that this month is the month, even though obviously I hope it is. But it could be... if this pregnancy is like mine with Oli. Oh this game!

six days to go... (written on September 24th)

Any mom will tell you waiting to find out if you're pregnant is one of the hardest things. Whether you are desperate to conceive or not planning on a pregnancy, when you think you might be pregnant, it's killer not knowing. And that's where I sit right now. Six days before my period is expected. Falling in the former category - as in wanting this baby like a mad woman.

I still shake my head in disbelief about our serious desire for a third baby. This was so not in the plan and SO the desire of our hearts. Which is making these six days brutal.

It's also hard not to read into  E V E R Y T H I N G.

My parents came to NYC for the weekend and we were sightseeing nonstop. Their first day we walked all the way to Time Square and back to the Upper West Side (4 hours), which would make anyone tired, but of course I couldn't help but think "is this pregnancy fatigue!?". Similarly, I'm *thinking* I'm noticing other symptoms but am very  aware of my desire to be pregnant which may effect my discernment. 

I cried at the 9/11 memorial. Didn't think I would. pregnancy emotions!?

My lower abdominal seems slightly fuller in the last couple days. Third pregnancy in 2 years could easily result in this! Or I ate a whole lot while my parents were cooking for me + footing the bill for take out. 

I've been going to bed at 9:30 or 10pm, usually I go to bed after 11pm. pregnancy exhaustion!? Or cooler nights and shorter days.

My bra is feeling tighter and perhaps I'm fuller up top. Pregnancy breast tenderness!? Or premenstrual breast tenderness. 

I hope hope hope that all of these signs are related to another baby joining our family, in a way we never thought one would. But unfortunately I know the drill. Almost all pregnancy symptoms are premenstrual symptoms. And so we wait.

on not being pregnant and the pill

I should have known not to get my hopes up when I thought I was pregnant in New York. It was only our second month of trying (and our first month was when I stopped taking the pill mid-cycle when Baby Fever hit), but it was still so hard.

See, with Lily, we went off the pill for three months before trying (and used other methods to not get pregnant) as we'd been encouraged to do that so the pill wouldn't still be in my system when we were trying. Partly because there was concern it could be bad for the baby if we did conceive asap and partly because it wouldn't reflect authentic "trying" since it could make it harder to conceive. Not sure how legit all of these concerns were, but we took the advice, and then conceived the 1st month we were trying (after the 3 months using other methods).

Between Lily and Oli I never went back on the pill. Probably obvious since I was pregnant with him when she was 4 months old. It's hard to know exactly how long it took to conceive him because my period postpartum was really light and I wasn't actually even sure I'd had a period yet (could have just been spotting, I figured). My best guess is that it took 1-2 months to conceive him.

In both cases, it was basically immediate, making the second month of trying for baby #3 challenging. I know most women try for many months, even years (!) before conceiving, and I dread the thought of seeming insensitive to them, but I can't deny that my heart hurt last month. To make matters worse, I had a lot of "symptoms" that made me think I was pregnant (oh how annoying it is that period and pregnancy symptoms are basically THE SAME), so when I got my period I was grieving big time. But God and Brad are both so good and gentle to me, and both lead me to joy and hope soon there after. Brad and I even watched Friends With Kids (crude but really fresh and interesting take on the classic prego-rom-com) that night and I wasn't overly sad even though I was watching people get pregnant. Good sign.

Which brings me to this month. The pill has now been out of my system for the recommended 3 months and it's our third month of trying for our third baby. I've done my best to chill out about expectations, and since this time I really have no phantom pregnancy symptoms, I'm assuming I'm not pregnant. We'll see.

One thing is for sure - I'm not positive the pill is to blame for the added challenge this time around, but I do wish I didn't go back on it between Oli and baby #3. I was so fearful (hello, idols!) of getting pregnant that I assumed I needed to take it, but after talking to a lot of friends who use non-hormonal contraception, I'm wishing I went that route.

Has anyone had a similar experience?