little update on the whole trying thing.

In short: It's not working.

In long: We're still not pregnant, and I'm struggling with why and how and what.
With my first two children I was pregnant the first time we tried. Yes, I was 23 and 24 and that's crazy young and wildly fertile, but I'm still just 26. So age is obviously not a factor. Stress very well could be, and seems to be the main suggestion everyone has. We have a lot going on right now, and the added deep down desire to BE pregnant makes trying a bit stressful. And there's the mechanics - everything is probably working fine since we've conceived twice before (right?).

One friend has a suggestion that I hadn't thought of and kind of love/hate. Maybe we're trying on the wrong day(s)? Wouldn't that be funny and awful at the same time? How frustrating! But also, what a relief and easy solution. I don't take my basal body temperature or do anything like that. I was just keeping close track of my periods and from that figuring out the length of my cycle, and thus noting the likely days for ovulation. But I could be wrong. Not on the days of my period - I can count up to 30 uhthankyou. But on the days that I'm ovulating. And with everything we have going on right now let's just say we're not "trying" every single day of the month. Ahem.

So maybe we're trying on the wrong days and most likely we're stressing out far too much over it. Yes, we deeply desire a third baby. With every passing day I want one more. The logistics are making it harder for me to be patient - Oli is getting older and the gap between him and baby #3 are set to be almost 2 years if we get pregnant THIS month, and that was kind of the maximum I wanted between kids, not to mention life with my two is getting easier. Lily will be starting partial daycare a few days a week soon and I'll have the time to bond more with Oli and rest more if I were pregnant. How ideal, right? Yet, I'm not.

I think this month and here after we're going to "try more frequently" and try to relax. Knowing the days we assume I'm ovulating has made is worse and more stressful, I think. The days are full of anxiety and the days after are full of stress and hope and frustration knowing we can't do anything but wait until I get my period (or don't, fingers always crossed for don't).

And I'm so sick of reading into the symptoms! I know I wrote about it already, but I can't ignore them. Being more aware of my body means I'm hypersensitive to any change or feeling and I essentially always think I'm pregnant, making the discovery that I'm not more painful each month.

So, more attempts, less stress, no more charting days, just having fun. Worth a try :)

transracial families put up with a lot...

One day, we still hope to adopt, though it's currently on hold as we try for #3. Which means articles and blogs and posts and videos and stories and books on adoption and orphans are still very much interesting to me. At the forefront of my mind and heart, still. And I still think about how we'll probably be a transracial family some day if we adopt via foster care, because the stats just work that way. And I still get excited about what God will do in our family and what it will look like.

This video on Rage Against The Minivan made me laugh today, but also reflect on how frustratingly difficult it must be to hear these comments A L L  T H E   T I M E.

not yet, God says.

Those words, uttered by my husband, were so comforting to me yesterday. Another month of trying (this was technically number three), another period. Not pregnant.

I took the discovery much better than I did in New York. Maybe because I was convinced I was pregnant in NY, so the news almost felt like a miscarriage (though I am certain I can't say that accurately and don't want to be insensitive to those who have suffered through miscarriages - all I can say is I felt as though I lost a baby, not hope of a baby, because I was so sure I was pregnant).

This time, however, I didn't really feel pregnant and refused to look into the "common symptoms" I was feeling. And New York taught me to guard my heart more, and not get hopes up early. In all, I was more trusting of God with His plan for our family when I discovered I was surely not pregnant this month. And I'm much happier in his presence this way, even though my hopes and his plans didn't cross paths this time.

Also, this month got me thinking about if I WERE pregnant. I've never been so public with trying on this blog. You all knew we were thinking about trying, but not the details, with Lily. And nothing with Oli until I was indeed, pregnant.  So this time around, the day after I'm supposed to get my period, you'll be like "SO!?" and if I don't blog right away our secret will be out before we even tell our families (if you assume silence means pregnant.)

Anyhow, to clear that potential problem up, from here on out, I'm not going to blog about specific dates (i.e. I'm Ovulating! or My Period Is Due Tomorrow!). And When we get the news either way, I probably won't blog about that right away either, so please wait on me to tell you instead of asking :)

Here's to month #4 of trying! Hoping it's THE month, but loving what God is doing in my heart as I wait.

20 signs you might be pregnant (PUH-LEASE)

Are you familiar with the 20 most common signs you might be preggers? Allow me.

1. swollen/tender breasts
2. darkening areolas
3. cramping
4. spotting
5. urinary frequency/constipation
6. fatigue
7. nausea
8. smell sensitivity
9. elevated temperature
10. missing period
11. unusual hunger/cravings
12. increase in secretions
13. headaches
14. mood swings
15. feeling faint/dizy
16. metallic taste in your mouth
17. vivid dreams
18. muscle aches
19. sweating 
20. increase of oil in hair and skin

Can we talk about the fact that I have at least eight of these symptoms ALL THE TIME?  I mean, how dare "fatigue" be on any list, really? Isn't that the most general symptom for basically everything? Slash the general reality for most people, let alone all moms? Gosh.

Fun facts:
With Lily's pregnancy, before I even missed my period I had these symptoms:

1. urinary frequency/constipation
2. serious fatigue
3. nausea
4. smell sensitivity
5. feeling faint
6. metallic taste (this one really got me weirded out because it was SO clear. I commented that I felt as if I'd put a handful of change in my mouth.)

With Oli's pregnancy, I had NO SYMPTOMS until two weeks after my missed period. Except maybe fatigue, but I had a 5 month old, so I wasn't reading into that!

Later on in both pregnancies I had the dreaded morning sickness and extreme fatigue (made worse by the anti-nausea medicines). And with Oli's pregnancy alone I had flu-like symptoms around the 2-month mark (aches and pains, fever).

Each pregnancy was so different. Each pregnancy is so different, for everyone.  The symptoms list is kind of a crock because most women walking the earth today have at least a few of them, and I know some lucky ladies who had only a handful when pregnant.

And if you're wondering, I'm not feeling pregnant right now (and am not, to my knowledge). I have the regular handful of symptoms that I often have pre-period (or any time!) and I have fewer symptoms than I did in NYC when I truly thought I was pregnant. So I'm not assuming that this month is the month, even though obviously I hope it is. But it could be... if this pregnancy is like mine with Oli. Oh this game!

six days to go... (written on September 24th)

Any mom will tell you waiting to find out if you're pregnant is one of the hardest things. Whether you are desperate to conceive or not planning on a pregnancy, when you think you might be pregnant, it's killer not knowing. And that's where I sit right now. Six days before my period is expected. Falling in the former category - as in wanting this baby like a mad woman.

I still shake my head in disbelief about our serious desire for a third baby. This was so not in the plan and SO the desire of our hearts. Which is making these six days brutal.

It's also hard not to read into  E V E R Y T H I N G.

My parents came to NYC for the weekend and we were sightseeing nonstop. Their first day we walked all the way to Time Square and back to the Upper West Side (4 hours), which would make anyone tired, but of course I couldn't help but think "is this pregnancy fatigue!?". Similarly, I'm *thinking* I'm noticing other symptoms but am very  aware of my desire to be pregnant which may effect my discernment. 

I cried at the 9/11 memorial. Didn't think I would. pregnancy emotions!?

My lower abdominal seems slightly fuller in the last couple days. Third pregnancy in 2 years could easily result in this! Or I ate a whole lot while my parents were cooking for me + footing the bill for take out. 

I've been going to bed at 9:30 or 10pm, usually I go to bed after 11pm. pregnancy exhaustion!? Or cooler nights and shorter days.

My bra is feeling tighter and perhaps I'm fuller up top. Pregnancy breast tenderness!? Or premenstrual breast tenderness. 

I hope hope hope that all of these signs are related to another baby joining our family, in a way we never thought one would. But unfortunately I know the drill. Almost all pregnancy symptoms are premenstrual symptoms. And so we wait.