but it's MY baby.

Is it?

There are SO many ethics to consider with adoption. One major one found in a lot of newborn adoptions, is when the birth mother wants the child back. THEIR child. That they carried and birthed. That has their DNA. That has their dad's nose and mom's eye colour.

The form of adoption we will be pursuing is through the foster care system (banque mixte, in Quebec). This won't be an issue, because the majority of children are in foster care because they've been removed and separated from their parents by law. Because the parents aren't fit to be parents. They don't get the option of saying "yeah, I'd like that back please", because those rights have been justly severed.

But what about when you adopt a newborn baby? Fresh from the hospital? Fresh from being delivered by the birth mother? It's harder. The birth mother has the right to change her mind. And as adoptive parents, it's easy to see THAT as wrong. How can she change her mind? The paper work is done! We've decorated and furnished a nursery! It's our baby! But is it? It's a really really swampy ethical dilemma.

I believe the baby belongs to her birth mother until the birth mother has, in right mind (read: not 24 hours after giving birth, under pressure of her boyfriend, etc) severed her rights to the child (giving the green light to adoption) or the law has decided that for her, to protect the child.

I'm grateful that God has put Banque Mixte adoption on our hearts, because it is a scary thought that if we adopted a child who wasn't already removed from their family, that that family could change their minds and want them back. And that would be agony for me as an adoptive mom. But I believe it would be ethical. And right. Painful, but honest.

What do you think?

ps - this post is largely influenced by This Post on White Sugar Brown Sugar

international adoption plummeting

despite the fact that people are talking about adoption a lot these days, celebrities are making it en vogue, and the shame that used to associated with being adopted is much more rare, international adoptions are actually not on the rise. 

This surprised me because there's so much talk about adoption. so many conferences and books coming out. It all just made me think that yeah, we're all together caring for orphans more than ever before! And maybe in some ways we are, but in some we certainly are not. At least not across our boarders.Praying this changes drastically in the years to come.

See this article:

Globally, the number of orphans being adopted by foreign parents dropped from a high of 45,000 in 2004 to an estimated 25,000 last year, according to annual statistics compiled by Peter Selman, an expert on international adoptions at Britain's Newcastle University.

Read more: http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,2114423,00.html#ixzz1ua3v9Ya9

on why we're not choosing the gender...

As long as I can remember, I've wanted to be the mother of girls.

I was from a family of all girls and I'm a girls girl to the core. 

My husband, on the other hand is the exact opposite. 

The eldest of three boys, no sisters. Guys guy, wanted boys. 

So weren't we a happy pair of expectant parents? 

Conflicted, yes. But thankful that God would ultimately decide and his decision would be good.

So I wanted a girl, but throughout my whole pregnancy people said I looked like I was carrying a boy. Like, all people. I was never told, even once, that I looked like I was carrying a girl. 

And you know what? The idea grew on me a heck of a lot. 

I started hanging around my friends then 4 year-old son and getting attached. 

The mama who always wanted a daughter was starting to REALLY want a son. 

I was certain, like everyone else that my first would be a boy, and my heart caught up to the idea and I even wanted my first to be a boy.

Then at my 20 week ultrasound,
we heard the three beautiful words: 

it's a girl!

It took my heart and head a second to register that my first would not be Oli (the name we'd chosen if it were a boy) but Lily instead! Immediately the ideas and excitement about a son disappeared and I was thrilled to be on the pink team. 

I thought I knew what I was having and what I wanted, and I was wrong.

Fast forward to my second pregnancy. Our first few months with Lily had been glorious. We absolutely LOVED having a daughter. Both Brad and I were secretly hoping our second would also be a girl. Since we're frugal, it meant we'd have everything already! And since our experience with Lily had been bliss, it meant more of the same (a pregnant mom can hope, right?)! 

I was convinced that I was having another daughter. 

I pictured Lily with a sister, I pictured them being best friends like me and my sister Lisa were (and are!). 

Then at my 20 week ultrasound,
we heard the three beautiful words:

it's a boy!

I was in shock. Slightly disappointed, I'm embarrassed to admit. 

But then a few minuted later (and much more as the days and weeks passed), my heart rejoiced. A son. A boy. The Lord has entrusted me with another child and now we have our Oli! 

I thought I knew what I was having and what I wanted, and I was wrong.

Now I have two lovely children, both of whom I thought I wanted to be the opposite gender they are, and both of whom I'm thrilled are exactly who they are. 

And we're adopting...

With the dangerous (for us) ability to pick the gender of our next children.

If I had of chosen for Lily I would have chosen BOY

If I had of chosen for Oli I would have chosen GIRL

I'm so glad I didn't get to pick, and that God's will was done so beautifully in our family.

So with the option to choose the gender for the child(ren)we're adopting, I just don't trust myself. 

I don't know God's will for us, and I have learned from two experiences that what I wanted was not what he wanted, and what he wanted was best.

I'll be honest, the idea of 1 girl and 3 boys seems slightly overwhelming to me, but if God has two boys who need a Mommy & Daddy (and a brother & sister!) and decides they're for us, we'll happily welcome them. So we'll see. It's not in our hands. We're choosing to have no preference with gender, but to prefer wholly, God's plans for us, that we do not yet see.

raising kids of another race...

It's definitely occurred to us that when we opt for "no racial preferences" and "no gender preferences" as we're adopting from the foster care system in Quebec, we're practically enlisting to adopt a black male. 

That is 100% perfect and even exciting to me.

{Louie, Sandra Bullock's son was adopted from
the foster care system in the USA}

We have no problem whatsoever with adopting a child from another race, but we'd be naive to say that it won't be a challenge, and that our parenting experience with our black children will be exactly like that with our white children. It will be a challenge and it won't be the same as parenting Lily and Oli. 

Oddly enough, folks would rather not talk about race at all these days, for fear of appearing racist, but in doing so they're ignoring a God-given quality to someone (God decided that there would be black people in this world, and it is good that there are!), and doing a huge disservice to these people. To our potential child(ren). And so, I've been thinking about it. And talking about it. Because it's real and good. 

This post addresses some of the challenges a white mother faces raising her two black sons (alongside her two white daughters), and it was a great resource to me today. I also follow My Brown Baby, a blog she references in the post, and White Sugar Brown Sugar.

Would love any suggestions of resources or blogs about the issue if you know of any!

Here's a excerpt:

There is one aspect of parenting black children that is outside of something I can just learn though trial and error, though – and that’s how to teach my kids how to interact with the world as black men.  The question of how white parents can teach black children “how to be black” is one that is often thrown out by opponents of transracial adoption.  I don’t love this question because it implies that there is one monolithic experience of being black, or one right set of behaviors, attitudes, and experiences that somehow denote a person’s acceptance as a black person. I reject the idea that “being black” is something that my boys need to learn, because they ARE black.  The idea that some would view them as having “lost their black card” by way of having white parents is frustrating to me. 

no fever over here!

Guess who hosted a baby shower last week,

held a precious 6lb baby boy,

and didn't get baby fever in the least?

Moi.

It was a beautiful moment, holding little Zachary, the 4th child of my dear friend Loni, but it was also really cool and affirming when I didn't feel any desire to have another one.

Can't wait to adopt, and am so excited to adopt a toddler or child :)