phewf!

EXHALE.

relief sweeps in... which of course makes no sense to you all because you weren't in on the pregnancy scare I just experienced... but a scare it t'was. Being pregnant is not scary (hard but not scary). Having another baby this soon is not scary (hard but not scary). Having an unplanned pregnancy is not scary (hard but not scary) But missing the weddings of my TWO bests.... horrifying!

For a while there I thought I may have been... The baby would have been due on September 2nd. Precisely 1 week after Lisa's wedding and 4 weeks before Missys. And if the second time around was to be anything like the first... I'd have missed both.

Lily came a week early, so there goes Lisa's wedding, and my recovery was SLOW and PAINFUL and breastfeeding was VERY DIFFICULT and EXTRAORDINARILY TIME CONSUMING (Lily would go on 6 hour binges because I wasn't producing enough upfront to satisfy her) making driving to Ontario for 7 hours to be the maid of honour in a wedding when the baby was 3-4 weeks old also, impossible.

But alas, NOT PREGNANT!

And evermore excited for the event{s} of 2011: Wedding bliss for Lisa and Missy!

Love you girls, and can't wait ti share in your special day{s}

xoxo

boys and girls

Most of you know that I'm a girl's girl. My hobbies include shopping and baking and I have never even thought about the reality that I could be the mom of boys, or even all boys.

I think it all began when my parents didn't have sons. And then my aunts and uncles closest to us didn't either. It was a girl's party. My cousins Maggie, Sarah, and Alysha were the extended family we spent the most time with, leaving zero room for boys to enter the brain. Then there were my dolls/barbies/imaginary friends: ALL GIRLS. Noticing a trend here? Not to mention I've never been the girl who's best buddies with guys... All my closest friends throughout the years have been Caily's, Tess's, Missy's, Catherine's, and Jamie's... GIRLS.

Naturally this is could all change in 6 weeks and I think it's just hitting me recently. Of course Brad is probably the most comfortable with boys since he has only brothers and I'll be thrilled no matter what the sex is, but part of me is a bit nervous of the potential of having a boy, or down the road, all boys. Can I swing it? I'm no hockey mom and I don't really "get" boys. But who knows?

At church I taught Sunday school today and there are two boys (brothers) who I adore. Miguel and Manuel. I thought to myself today: if my kids are like these, I could do boys! Often I get epiphanies like this, you know seeing the great things that boys bring to the table that girls can't, or thinking about how great it would be to "gain a daughter instead of lose a son" as they say in marriage, or the possibility for my future daughters having an older brother always looking out for them. I never had that and always was slightly jealous of those who did.

So we'll see. My 20 week ultra sound where I get to know the sex is in 6 weeks. I'll keep you all posted, and in the meantime, any advice on boys is welcome!

people i miss.

lately as you know, I've been functioning at a highly REDUCED pace of life. Apart from work and sleep, I do next to nothing. When with work, I'm struggling to keep my head above water. The other day I had a full day on campus (not unusual but hard these days) and had 2 naps in the process. If I had a spare hour in between appointments, I would race in time for a 30 minute nap before heading back. I would normally see this as a waste of time and not worth the effort, but I'm THAT tired. And falling asleep on the metro is both scary and embarrassing - and I've done that twice.

I often say to Brad, "I miss being ME". He's been gracious to assure me that he loves me and that it's just a season and blah blah blah, but the reality is, I want to pick up the phone and call Missy and Catherine and just talk for hours. I want to meet Rachel for an early breakfast before 9am at Quoi De Neuf (when it's half price and just as glorious!). I want to hang out with Jamie for longer than an hour in the evenings, also meaning I want my bedtime to stretch later than 9pm. I want to have tea with Lydia and Jess again. I want to take Loni's kids swimming at the local pool and teach them how to swim like I was doing pre-prego, but that requires a level of energy that just doesn't exist right now. Ahhh... I am falling more in love with my baby every day, but I do miss my friends.

I keep being told that the energy levels will increase in the 2nd trimester, and I really hope it's true. The nausea is subsiding a bit so maybe it's a sign that the fatigue will too. Compared to many of my friends, my pregnancy hasn't been that difficult, it just seems like it I guess because most of my friends are able-bodied 23 year-olds who act like 23-year-olds... staying up late, meeting friends, having fun. I guess I just want to be ME again, but maybe the new me is more tired and I just have to figure out how to make that work with my relationships.

Then I remember, if the worst I'm feeling it tired and a bit nauseous to experience the joy and miracle of having a baby and starting a family - it's so worth it. It is. I just have forgotten that a few times lately and I need to remember it :)

home is.

This weekend I traveled back to Oakville to surprise Missy for the weekend of her post-degree program graduation and to celebrate her new job. It was planned for weeks and the bonus would be that I'd also get to spend some quality time with Cath, who also stood up for me on my wedding day as a bridesmaid and is a dear dear friend. What a weekend. Filled with reunion bliss, hugs and kisses, story swapping, laughing like it was 2nd year again, sleepover after sleepover, husband-free girl time, and mutual encouragement. I can't express in better words how much I love my friends and loved being with them.

On Sunday after church, oh and how sweet it was to be at Harvest again (the church that I was "spiritually brought up" in over the last 5 years), Gill Symons said something important. "Isn't is great to be home again!?" I paused. Thought about it. After all the tears and turmoil of leaving Oakville, the home of my friends, my church, my whole network for the last 5 years, I never thought it would be so easy to say...

"This isn't my home anymore"

She understood immediately. Probably something a lot of women can relate to who leave their parents home and proverbial nest when they get married and start a new life and create a new home with the man they love. Even if you move down the street from them you still start something new. You still get it. She did.

As much as I miss Ontario, Harvest, Oakville, my parents, my girlfriends, the predominance of English, and all things familiar, Montreal is my home now. It feels so good to be here, in my apartment that is so distinctly Montreal. Old 1800's house renovated into flats, exposed brick walls, candles burning (which is an obsession I've picked up from Jamie since getting to know her living down the road from her and James), my office chair slightly rolling to the left because that's the way the floor tilts, and Chamomile tea (a gift from a McGill student) in my cup. Home.

The reunion was sweet but the future is here and my heart is in it. 100%.

the yoga monster

Today I was happily walking home on Rue. Sainte Catharine in the shopping district downtown after a great discipleship group - the 1st year girls one @ McGill. We had a great time discussing different ways we can connect with God each week since it's easy to fall into the whole "I'm too busy slash bored with my normal routine" thing. I think we all really benefited from the ideas thrown on the table, anywhere from "Listen to U2, they're like sooo Christian!" to different authors to check out, different styles of journal-ing to incorporate your prayers, thoughts, struggles, etc. Truly inspirational and I'm actually listening to the song "Forty", performed live in Brazil by U2 (link ), and plan to have a nice time of reading my Bible and journal-ing in a minute as a result.

Anyway, I've got a bit sidetracked, the whole point of this blog wasn't to talk about DG, but oh it was a goodie. So I'm walking home passing such great stores promising 50% off or as they read: jusqu'a 50% rabais! en francais. I was feeling thankful for such a great DG and also that as the semester is coming to a close maybe I deserve a treat, not like a new winter coat or anything (read: I forced myself to not look at them because they were all glistening and gorgeous and my husband would kill me) but maybe just a new head band or something. You know, a treat, because it's been a great semester of hard work, but great progress at work and my parents always celebrated victories of progress with us whether it was a report card, a personal best time in track, or completing a semester of university unscathed.

So I turn into LuLu Lemon. JOY. I love that store. It's expensive, but the clothes are such amazing quality that it's totally worth it. We're talking AMAZING. Like 2 years ago I was in BC and my 4-year-old LuLu zip-up jacket that they tell you "don't EVER put in the dryer" was in the dryer for like the 32,423,0000th time, and the zipper FINALLY shattered. I mean seriously, I was asking for that, years earlier. I wasn't even that sad because the jacket was white-turned-yellowy-brown-yuck as I'd worn it out like crazy over the course of those 4 years. But what the heck, I took it to the local LuLu to see if perhaps they could replace the zipper. Because I have THAT MUCH nerve. But that's just what they did! They shipped it away to be fixed and sent it back to my home in Ontario 2 weeks later! Are they looking to be trampled on?? Because I felt like I was the abuser in an unhealthy relationship or something...

Nonetheless, I continued in my destructive ways, and the zipper soon thereafter was fraying from the bottom up. Again, I wasn't surprised nor disappointed. This jacket had given me all it had. I had abused it, over-worn it, and thoroughly enjoyed it for 4 years. It could go now. I'm ready. Turn off the machine.. I mean, wait. I'll try one more time to see if I can suck anything out of good old LuLu, maybe a free water bottle or something. Yup, there's no end to my frugality or nerve.

Apologetically the sales girl told me "it can't be fixed, there's nothing we can do". I saw this coming. What I didn't see coming were her next words... "BUT WE CAN GIVE YOU A CASH REFUND, IF THAT'S OK WITH YOU MA'AM". MA'AM!? You can call me whatever you want!! FULL CASH REFUND? FULL CASH REFUND people! And not even from the discounted price that surely it had slipped to in the FOUR years since I'd bought it. Full refund. The $115 was MINE again, after I had used and abused that poor jacket for 4 years, I could just turn it in for a shiny new one! I'm a MONSTER! A monster with a new teal zip-up jacket that won't show the stains (read bruises) as well as his deceased white friend.

So yeah, It's expensive, but this company is as loyal as my best friend Missy and that's saying a LOT. SO I wander in. Of course they're selling their glorious, long-torso-ed $54 and $58 work out tank tops for $29 and $39. Of course. So I try them on. Perfection. A black one and a coral one, both fitting perfectly, both flowing style over the stomach, so I could wear them if I had a baby bump, both needing to be owned by me. My mom shortly thereafter receives a text "so I found some great LuLu tops, and they're $29 and $39, so if you're looking for gift ideas..." My mother knows the value of a great LuLu anything, and I took those babies home where they will surely be used and abused until they simply cannot take it anymore, which is when I'll probably trade them in for a newer model and forget I ever loved them. Yup, I'm a monster. A yoga-clad monster.